3 years ago ds death was confirmed by u/s - though he likely died late on Christmas day since that was last time I was able to pick up his heartbeat with the doppler.
The first two years have been really hard. This is the first December where I haven't broke down until now. All I can think about is how our lives would be different if he had lived. I seriously wonder if stopping the BA last pregnancy at 8 weeks when I got a SCH led to all the problems with ds's placenta and if I would have stayed on it maybe his placenta wouldn't have failed or at least not so early that nothing could be done. I have been researching BA use in preventing PE this morning and though there is no scientific proof it helps, it has been theorized for a decade now, yet no one mentioned it at all last pregnancy even though I had really bad NT bloodwork.
Of course if he would have lived we never would have cycled again and I wouldn't be pregnant now so it is bittersweet. Though I am happy to be having this baby, I wish I never had to go through these bad experiences first and deal with how they changed and affected our lives. I have met many people because of ds's death that I would never have met otherwise, but I also broke off relations with my only sibling and his family because of it. Also as the years go by I wonder how things will affect dd. She has no idea about anything yet because of her delays, she doesn't even have a clue that she will have a baby sister in 2 months. I am glad she will have a sibling here on Earth and hope that they will be close, since she will miss the twin experience growing up.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Friday, December 28, 2012
29w2d
Only 10 weeks to left to go. I must say this pregnancy is going fast and I have a feeling these last 2 months will go even faster. Because I have been so scared all the time that something will happen I haven't really got to enjoy things and now looking at things it will be over before I know it and I don't really know if we are ready for the baby yet. We haven't done much to prepare. I did put the newborn and preemie clothes in the dresser, but other than that nothing else is set up. This is in big contrast to my last pregnancy where everything was ready by 29 weeks which was probably a good thing since I got put in the hospital the next day.
It is weird that I am now one day further than I was last pregnancy from being put in the hospital and I am only 12 days away from when I gave birth. Hopefully this is a good sign that I will be able to make it to my 34 week February goal at min. I really believe the PE last time was related to ds's damaged placenta. I still wonder if I didn't stop the BA that pregnancy at 8 weeks that maybe none of those things would have happened or at least they wouldn't have happened so early that nothing could be done for ds.
It is weird that I am now one day further than I was last pregnancy from being put in the hospital and I am only 12 days away from when I gave birth. Hopefully this is a good sign that I will be able to make it to my 34 week February goal at min. I really believe the PE last time was related to ds's damaged placenta. I still wonder if I didn't stop the BA that pregnancy at 8 weeks that maybe none of those things would have happened or at least they wouldn't have happened so early that nothing could be done for ds.
Monday, December 24, 2012
28w5d
Nothing much new to report. Had my bimonthly appt today and everything was fine - normal bp, only trace protein, etc. The doctor knew about my visits to l&d, but wasn't very concerned since I am no longer bleeding. I go back again in 2 weeks and then have an u/s a few days after that.
I am happy to reach this stage without getting PE yet. Last time I started getting pitting edema at 28 weeks and was admitted at 29w1d. Hoping that this means that we will make it to my goal of February.
Tomorrow is Christmas. It is also the 3 year anniversary of ds's death (though we never had an u/s until the 29th so I like to celebrate that as his angel day since I don't like ruining our Christmas celebration.
I am happy to reach this stage without getting PE yet. Last time I started getting pitting edema at 28 weeks and was admitted at 29w1d. Hoping that this means that we will make it to my goal of February.
Tomorrow is Christmas. It is also the 3 year anniversary of ds's death (though we never had an u/s until the 29th so I like to celebrate that as his angel day since I don't like ruining our Christmas celebration.
Friday, December 21, 2012
28w2d
I started red spotting again this morning after not having anything for 5 days. Of course this set dh off and he starts bitching to me which doesn't help things. I got into a big fight with him yesterday because he was upset about having to do work around the house and of course this likely raised my bp and also caused me to do more things than I should. I really don't know what to do, but I seriously can't rest at home and I am 100% sure this spotting this morning was related to yesterday events. I rang the doctor and of course they said to come down to triage to be checked out so I had to drive down to Providence this morning, where they did another cervical exam and hooked me up to the monitors for 2 hours. The good news is the baby is responding well and the doctor says my cervix is long and closed and there was only a bit of blood with mucus in my vagina so whatever it was hopefully is over. Of course this means even more so that I have to take things easy, hopefully dh and his family get the hint. I do have to work tomorrow that I can't change - just talked with the owner yesterday to change the appt to tomorrow instead of next Friday so hoping that things will be okay. I really can't afford to shut the business down for 4 months.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
27w6d
My body is pretty weak from this bedrest. Yesterday I planned to go off full bedrest and do moderate, but I started having reddish spotting again so that stopped that. Thank goodness it stopped shortly after it started.
Today at my u/s everything looked good. The baby measured on track - head was 2 days behind and abdomen and femur were a week ahead producing an estimated weight of 2lb 11oz, so the baby put on a pound in the last 22 days from my last u/s. So growth isn't a problem this time which is great. It made me think that dd must have been small for her age since I was 3 weeks further along when she was born and she was only 5oz larger.
I asked about the bleeding and the doctor confirmed I definately do not have placenta previa. The placenta is 2cm away from the cervix so the bleeding was likely from a small placenta tear. He wasn't too concerned about it since the baby is still growing well and the fluid level measures normal. Hopefully what ever it was will heal and I won't experience anymore bleeding/spotting.
Tomorrow morning we have dd's preschool meeting on how her testing went and what they will offer her. I am kind of nervous, not really knowing what to expect. I don't want her to be short changed on services, but I don't know how she compares to other almost 3 year olds that they see.
Today at my u/s everything looked good. The baby measured on track - head was 2 days behind and abdomen and femur were a week ahead producing an estimated weight of 2lb 11oz, so the baby put on a pound in the last 22 days from my last u/s. So growth isn't a problem this time which is great. It made me think that dd must have been small for her age since I was 3 weeks further along when she was born and she was only 5oz larger.
I asked about the bleeding and the doctor confirmed I definately do not have placenta previa. The placenta is 2cm away from the cervix so the bleeding was likely from a small placenta tear. He wasn't too concerned about it since the baby is still growing well and the fluid level measures normal. Hopefully what ever it was will heal and I won't experience anymore bleeding/spotting.
Tomorrow morning we have dd's preschool meeting on how her testing went and what they will offer her. I am kind of nervous, not really knowing what to expect. I don't want her to be short changed on services, but I don't know how she compares to other almost 3 year olds that they see.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
27w3d
So I have been home now for 21 hours and have experienced nothing but one disaster after another. This is what happens when you leave the house to two clueless men to run.
First when I walked in last night at 6pm, FIL reports dd pulled the thermostat off the wall - not the first time it happened, but this time she broke apart the cover too so it was completely useless. Need I say we live Massachussett and it is December!
Then dd wants to watch her kittycat dvd. DH puts it in the dvd player but it missed the holder so the dvd was struck somewhere instead the player and wouldn't come out.
Now I needed to be on bedrest so I got very mad and told dh he had to open up the player and try and see if he can get the dvd instead. I hand my purse to FIL and tell him to get out the screwdriver. He then asks where in my purse the screwdriver is - there is only one compartment to my purse.
I immediately left them and went up to lie down being so fed up with them.
Then 5 minutes later dh is yelling at me because I won't help him put dd in her pj's and his xbox won't work in the other room (he had to move it so I can sleep in this room). After listening to him throw a hissy fit for 30 minutes I spent 1 minute to look up online on how to get his xbox to work on a standard tv and flipped the stupid switch. Why he couldn't do this I have no idea.
Then this morning I come down to get breakfast and my pills and it is freezing downstairs - because the thermostat is broke. I tell FIL that we can't just live without heat here, the pipes will freeze. I take my bp and it is borderline high - likely because I am so stressed because neither dh nor his FIL can run the house for a 2 day period. (I am not even going to mention the amount of dirty clothes and everything else that needs to be done, but wasn't).
Then dh goes grocery shopping and to pick up our pics from JC Penney (for the 3rd time). He then calls me and tells me he can't get them until after 1pm because there was only one person working and she is swamped. I told him I don't care if she has a million things to do, you went there during their regular business hours on the form, they should give you our pics. I then asked to speak with the women, but he claims he is already back in the parking lot and to have FIL come back at 1. Did I mention the store is a 10 minute drive away and gas is expensive and this was already the 3rd time we went there to get our pictures!
Then when dh gets home he tries to rehook the dvd player back up. I notice the door is not on properly so likely when he reattached everything back last night he didn't look and make sure there were no gaps. I was so pissed. Anyways, dh exclaims that it isn't working so I have to get out of bed to see what the problem is. However before I do this I ask him if he put the components in the right slot (the output slots). He says yes, but it still isn't coming on. So anyways, I have to check it out and of course he had put them in the input slot. Of course it won't come up on the tv then. I was so pissed.
But the biggest piece of the cake happened just now. I guess the landlord is putting asphault down outside to fix some holes and he tells dh to not let dd near the area. So FIL comes home from picking up our pictures and dh comes up to work on his school work. An hour later dd and FIL come up saying he has to change her pants. I figure she must have peed through her pants because her diaper was just changed an hour ago. Then they start talking about the landlord and asphault and I wonder WTF does this have to do with dd needing a new pair of pants. Well finally dd walks out of her room and then I see it. Her pants are covered with tar. I just lost it then. The only good thing is they weren't expensive pants (and I think they already have a small hole in them) so it isn't like I am losing much by having to throw them out, but seriously. I can't even rely on these two grown men to even run the house. I plan on being on complete bedrest until Monday, and it is only Saturday. I don't know how I am going to make it.
First when I walked in last night at 6pm, FIL reports dd pulled the thermostat off the wall - not the first time it happened, but this time she broke apart the cover too so it was completely useless. Need I say we live Massachussett and it is December!
Then dd wants to watch her kittycat dvd. DH puts it in the dvd player but it missed the holder so the dvd was struck somewhere instead the player and wouldn't come out.
Now I needed to be on bedrest so I got very mad and told dh he had to open up the player and try and see if he can get the dvd instead. I hand my purse to FIL and tell him to get out the screwdriver. He then asks where in my purse the screwdriver is - there is only one compartment to my purse.
I immediately left them and went up to lie down being so fed up with them.
Then 5 minutes later dh is yelling at me because I won't help him put dd in her pj's and his xbox won't work in the other room (he had to move it so I can sleep in this room). After listening to him throw a hissy fit for 30 minutes I spent 1 minute to look up online on how to get his xbox to work on a standard tv and flipped the stupid switch. Why he couldn't do this I have no idea.
Then this morning I come down to get breakfast and my pills and it is freezing downstairs - because the thermostat is broke. I tell FIL that we can't just live without heat here, the pipes will freeze. I take my bp and it is borderline high - likely because I am so stressed because neither dh nor his FIL can run the house for a 2 day period. (I am not even going to mention the amount of dirty clothes and everything else that needs to be done, but wasn't).
Then dh goes grocery shopping and to pick up our pics from JC Penney (for the 3rd time). He then calls me and tells me he can't get them until after 1pm because there was only one person working and she is swamped. I told him I don't care if she has a million things to do, you went there during their regular business hours on the form, they should give you our pics. I then asked to speak with the women, but he claims he is already back in the parking lot and to have FIL come back at 1. Did I mention the store is a 10 minute drive away and gas is expensive and this was already the 3rd time we went there to get our pictures!
Then when dh gets home he tries to rehook the dvd player back up. I notice the door is not on properly so likely when he reattached everything back last night he didn't look and make sure there were no gaps. I was so pissed. Anyways, dh exclaims that it isn't working so I have to get out of bed to see what the problem is. However before I do this I ask him if he put the components in the right slot (the output slots). He says yes, but it still isn't coming on. So anyways, I have to check it out and of course he had put them in the input slot. Of course it won't come up on the tv then. I was so pissed.
But the biggest piece of the cake happened just now. I guess the landlord is putting asphault down outside to fix some holes and he tells dh to not let dd near the area. So FIL comes home from picking up our pictures and dh comes up to work on his school work. An hour later dd and FIL come up saying he has to change her pants. I figure she must have peed through her pants because her diaper was just changed an hour ago. Then they start talking about the landlord and asphault and I wonder WTF does this have to do with dd needing a new pair of pants. Well finally dd walks out of her room and then I see it. Her pants are covered with tar. I just lost it then. The only good thing is they weren't expensive pants (and I think they already have a small hole in them) so it isn't like I am losing much by having to throw them out, but seriously. I can't even rely on these two grown men to even run the house. I plan on being on complete bedrest until Monday, and it is only Saturday. I don't know how I am going to make it.
Friday, December 14, 2012
27w2d
I get to go home today. I am so happy because I am sick of being here all ready. It is funny last pregnancy I had to spend 3 weeks in the hospital and this time after 1.5 days I want to go home. I think it has to do with not having any clothes or personal items except for my phone and laptop, also being limited on what I can eat and drink. Of course I am likely going to stay in bed all weekend with only bathroom breaks because I don't know if the bleeding only stopped because of me being in bed. Don't want to get home and have it start right up again from being active.
I have been bleed and spot free since mid-day yesterday but then started light brown spotting after a BM this morning, but it has now stopped, so I am not out of the woods yet. I just wish I knew what was causing this and hope that it doesn't happen again. Luckily I have a growth scan on Tuesday so only 4 more days to wait.
I have been bleed and spot free since mid-day yesterday but then started light brown spotting after a BM this morning, but it has now stopped, so I am not out of the woods yet. I just wish I knew what was causing this and hope that it doesn't happen again. Luckily I have a growth scan on Tuesday so only 4 more days to wait.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
27w1d
So I had a horrible start to 27 weeks. Everything was fine yesterday, then when I got home after dd's therapies down the cape I went to the bathroom and saw bright red blood in my underwear. I thought oh no this isn't good. And as expected there was blood in the toilet after peeing. I immediately started to freak out. It is one thing to bleed from a SCH, it is another thing to bleed at 27 weeks.
I called up the hospital but they told me because of the drive it was best to go to the local hospital so I did. They had me hooked up for 3 hours, everything looked fine with the baby, cervix is closed and the spectrum exam looked like the blood was turning darker old blood. The Mfm on call though wanted me to go to Providence to be further ministered there so I had to be sent by ambulance - this is starting to remind me of last pregnancy :( I then spent the next 3 hours in triage there where they repeat all the same stuff plus did a portable u/s exam that showed everything good. The resident had no words of advice and basically said this happens sometime.
Anyways they kept me for the night. Tried to put those stupid inflatable boots on my legs but luckily the machine kept acting up so they took them off at 1 this robing. The bleeding dried down over night. Went to only a small amount of pink and then nothing at 4am. The doctor came at 6 this morning still not helpful and with no explanation and basically said if everything looks good after the next few hours I can go home.
I then went to the bathroom again. And the red spotting/bleeding started again. Not as bad as when it first happened but there when I wipe and some going into the toilet so I don't know what to think or do. I don't think I can deal with this anymore without knowing where this bleeding is coming from. And how long it will last.
I called up the hospital but they told me because of the drive it was best to go to the local hospital so I did. They had me hooked up for 3 hours, everything looked fine with the baby, cervix is closed and the spectrum exam looked like the blood was turning darker old blood. The Mfm on call though wanted me to go to Providence to be further ministered there so I had to be sent by ambulance - this is starting to remind me of last pregnancy :( I then spent the next 3 hours in triage there where they repeat all the same stuff plus did a portable u/s exam that showed everything good. The resident had no words of advice and basically said this happens sometime.
Anyways they kept me for the night. Tried to put those stupid inflatable boots on my legs but luckily the machine kept acting up so they took them off at 1 this robing. The bleeding dried down over night. Went to only a small amount of pink and then nothing at 4am. The doctor came at 6 this morning still not helpful and with no explanation and basically said if everything looks good after the next few hours I can go home.
I then went to the bathroom again. And the red spotting/bleeding started again. Not as bad as when it first happened but there when I wipe and some going into the toilet so I don't know what to think or do. I don't think I can deal with this anymore without knowing where this bleeding is coming from. And how long it will last.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
26w6d
I have noticed that I am getting more bitchy these days. It isn't that I mean it, just my tolerance for people and stupid questions is low. It is like that hormonal feeling you get before AF, and you just want to strangle some people.
MIL and FIL came by this morning with a futon for our living room so we can finally get rid of the ugly mattress on the floor. Unfortunately they forgot 2 of the pieces so for now the mattress is staying. Anyways, when all of them were arguing about what to do because of this, dd came and pushed the heavy frame to where it fell right on my foot so now I have a hurt foot. I was able to walk on it this afternoon, but now tonight it is starting to hurt more again. I really hope I didn't break it, I really don't need a broke foot on top of being pregnant and already having difficulty getting around. What is pissing me off even more is dh's bio father who claims he was watching dd and now tonight he is mad that dh called him out on not watching her more closely saying he couldn't watch her. He totally misses the point that that frame was heavy and it landed full force on my foot and I am still in pain from it. It is really making me question how much I can rely on him at all. I mean 3 months ago he failed to stop the pantry door from falling on dd, even though he was standing right there.
MIL and FIL came by this morning with a futon for our living room so we can finally get rid of the ugly mattress on the floor. Unfortunately they forgot 2 of the pieces so for now the mattress is staying. Anyways, when all of them were arguing about what to do because of this, dd came and pushed the heavy frame to where it fell right on my foot so now I have a hurt foot. I was able to walk on it this afternoon, but now tonight it is starting to hurt more again. I really hope I didn't break it, I really don't need a broke foot on top of being pregnant and already having difficulty getting around. What is pissing me off even more is dh's bio father who claims he was watching dd and now tonight he is mad that dh called him out on not watching her more closely saying he couldn't watch her. He totally misses the point that that frame was heavy and it landed full force on my foot and I am still in pain from it. It is really making me question how much I can rely on him at all. I mean 3 months ago he failed to stop the pantry door from falling on dd, even though he was standing right there.
Monday, December 10, 2012
26w5d
My doctor's appt went great this morning. I arrived at 10:07 for my 10:15 appt and was out the door by 10:30. This after registering, waiting to be called back, and then waiting for the doctor. This is in big contrast to the appt a couple of months ago where I would wait 45 min to be called back and then another 45 min for the doctor.
My weight is 247.5 so I am only up 1.5 lb from 2 weeks ago surprisely. This is much better than the last 2 appt where I was putting on 8-10 lb in a 3 week time span.
My bp was 128/82 - they still don't tell me the numbers, but I have learned that if they put the paper on the counter before leaving that I can see it. At this stage in my last pregnancy my protein level was 430 and I had pre-eclampsia so it is great news that so far I have no sign of any problems, of course I still have to be seen frequently and take my bp twice daily to make sure problems don't start up.
I also found out I don't have diabetes - ya, so no doing the 3 hour test or having to change my diet and that for the u/s 2 weeks ago the baby measured in the 60 something percent :)
I have my u/s next Tuesday and then see the doctor again on Christmas eve - unfortunately his latest appt that day is 8:45am so looks like I have to get up really early that day. I don't think this year will seem much like Christmas with having to go to the doctor's on Christmas eve and then the day after Christmas dd has a full day of therapy. Our tree even sucks this year because dd has pulled off all the ornaments except for the ones on the top third of the tree and I am too exhausted to put up any other decorations. Not even sure how I am going to go about wrapping all of dd's presents. Just wrapping the 7 gifts for my family a few nights ago put a big strain on me and I could hardly move the next day.
My weight is 247.5 so I am only up 1.5 lb from 2 weeks ago surprisely. This is much better than the last 2 appt where I was putting on 8-10 lb in a 3 week time span.
My bp was 128/82 - they still don't tell me the numbers, but I have learned that if they put the paper on the counter before leaving that I can see it. At this stage in my last pregnancy my protein level was 430 and I had pre-eclampsia so it is great news that so far I have no sign of any problems, of course I still have to be seen frequently and take my bp twice daily to make sure problems don't start up.
I also found out I don't have diabetes - ya, so no doing the 3 hour test or having to change my diet and that for the u/s 2 weeks ago the baby measured in the 60 something percent :)
I have my u/s next Tuesday and then see the doctor again on Christmas eve - unfortunately his latest appt that day is 8:45am so looks like I have to get up really early that day. I don't think this year will seem much like Christmas with having to go to the doctor's on Christmas eve and then the day after Christmas dd has a full day of therapy. Our tree even sucks this year because dd has pulled off all the ornaments except for the ones on the top third of the tree and I am too exhausted to put up any other decorations. Not even sure how I am going to go about wrapping all of dd's presents. Just wrapping the 7 gifts for my family a few nights ago put a big strain on me and I could hardly move the next day.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
26 weeks
I am now at the point where I developed pre-eclampsia last time (though I didn't find out about it for 3 weeks thanks to the stupid hospital not informing anyone my protein level was 430).
I am still 5 weeks away from where I gave birth last time and 11 weeks away from being full-term, but it is nice to reach this milestone and so far not have PE, as well as still have normal bp numbers.
I am hoping this is a good sign that I will be able to go to term this pregnancy and hopefully not develop PE at all.
I had dd's preschool eval this morning. Monday was the intake interview and after I finally got to tell the woman about my last pregnancy she understood why I was worried and wanted to try and get the transition stuff underway as quickly as possible. I am glad she scheduled the testing for so soon and we have the team meeting now Dec 19 so hopefully after that everything will be all set. I am also glad I won't have to wait until the new year like I thought I would for the results.
I am still 5 weeks away from where I gave birth last time and 11 weeks away from being full-term, but it is nice to reach this milestone and so far not have PE, as well as still have normal bp numbers.
I am hoping this is a good sign that I will be able to go to term this pregnancy and hopefully not develop PE at all.
I had dd's preschool eval this morning. Monday was the intake interview and after I finally got to tell the woman about my last pregnancy she understood why I was worried and wanted to try and get the transition stuff underway as quickly as possible. I am glad she scheduled the testing for so soon and we have the team meeting now Dec 19 so hopefully after that everything will be all set. I am also glad I won't have to wait until the new year like I thought I would for the results.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
25w4d
Today hasn't been a very good day. I started the day off experiencing cramping like pain. The pain was constant, but every so often increased in intensity for quick periods of time. Unfortunately FIL went out all day and dh had to work on his school assignments so I was struck watching dd all day. By later afternoon I did start to feel better after standing for a while and putting up the tree.
Though after sitting down again the achiness and pressure is back, though not as bad as this morning.
I don't really know what to make of this pain. My money is on that it is ligament stretching or the start of SPD. I don't think it is contractions, but it does worry me because I am still so early. Hopefully today is a one day occurance of this and I will be back painfree tomorrow.
The good news is besides dd's school board meeting tomorrow I have the rest of the week free incase something happens - of course that is if I don't get any calls which with the way things are going I don't see that happening. Business has been busy the last 2 weeks and today someone tried calling 3 times, but I don't answer on Sunday so I am not sure what to make of it (I assume since they tried 3 times that it was some type of emergency).
Though after sitting down again the achiness and pressure is back, though not as bad as this morning.
I don't really know what to make of this pain. My money is on that it is ligament stretching or the start of SPD. I don't think it is contractions, but it does worry me because I am still so early. Hopefully today is a one day occurance of this and I will be back painfree tomorrow.
The good news is besides dd's school board meeting tomorrow I have the rest of the week free incase something happens - of course that is if I don't get any calls which with the way things are going I don't see that happening. Business has been busy the last 2 weeks and today someone tried calling 3 times, but I don't answer on Sunday so I am not sure what to make of it (I assume since they tried 3 times that it was some type of emergency).
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