buy baby stuff after I have a failed cycle?
After my m/c from ivf #1 I went and picked up a baby gym and crib play thing.
After my failure from ivf #3 I brought a bouncer seat
And then yesterday I noticed on cl someone posted baby boy clothes. It was a curbside alert and usually I don't go for these because I consider them a waste of gas because the item is usually gone by the time I get there. Anyways this post was posted 45 minutes before I saw it so I didn't hold out much hope. At least it was only 5 minute drive away so I decided to still try and there were two huge garbage bags stuffed at the curb. I picked them up right away. So now if we have a boy we should be covered for clothes for the first 6 months. Of course that is if the season is right - never looked since I don't need the clothes at the moment and I think if I look at newborn clothes I will start bawling. Anyways I figure since there were few no loss to us. If we don't have a boy or if we don't have another child then I will just sell them or give them away later on.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Friday, April 27, 2012
The day after
I woke up this morning not feeling so great at all - both physically and mentally. This is the worst period in terms of pain in all my 22 years of having periods (and if you discount the month long large clotty periods I had when I weaned dd this would also be the heaviest too). It is probably equivalent to a 6 week m/c in terms of pain and blood I would guess. Wasn't expecting that since my last failed cycle that ended after ER my period was only slightly heavier and that was just for one day. Good thing I brought more pads a few days ago, but even that I am more than half way through the pack of 28 overnight pads and I am only on day 3.
I was really pissed this morning again with having to wait another whole cycle. I am a planner and not knowing when my next AF is going to come, what the cycle plans are after that is very stressful. Add into it the fact I need to do the cycle before the end of June for insurance coverage and it just ups the stress. I research and seems like most RE want at least one natural AF after a failed cycle. I was getting worried that the reason why my RE won't put me on the pill now is because she doesn't want to treat us again or wants me to wait a few months. I won't find out anything until next Friday so that is stressing me. I'm really hoping that once this next AF comes I can start downregulating and then cycle afterwards. I looked at the calendar and I should be able to fit ER in before June 30 if that is the case. I figure the longest AF will take is 4 weeks. My usual cycle is 21-24 days. However I had a 28 day cycle after coming off the pill and after my d&c. The only longer cycle than that was when I was bf and after I weaned and had the non stop periods. So I figure even if AF takes 4 weeks and they put me on the anatagonist I will likely do ER around June 27 with ET June 30. If I do another flare protocal it will be even shorter and I may be 10dpo by June 30 and so hopefully can get a bfp then, however it is looking more likely that I will not have a bfp until at least July with an edd around mid March though I will probably give birth end of February.
Another thing I am worried about cycling so late in June is that I may have my citizenship interview around that time. I applied on March 30 and am going for the biometics May 7 (not sure why since I already did my prints last March and August so they should be current), and it is looking like the interview and test will be around end of June/early July according to other people's timelines. And knowing my luck and murphy's law it and ER will end up on the same day. I really really hope not.
I have been trying desparately to keep my mind off of ivf to get me through this limbo time. Luckily I have a few busy weeks coming up. DD has her private speech assessment on Monday and then her weekly OT after. Tuesday I am having my upper left premolar pulled. I have put it off for months because of cycling so now I can finally get it done without worrying about the work affecting my eggs. I will probably be seeing the dentist weekly for the next number of weeks after this for the bridge and also still need to put a crown on a root canal I had done last year. Figure since I only have dental insurance for a few more months might as well get the stuff done now while I can.
I also have a ton of work and red tape to deal with getting this car my parents brought me down here. They are hoping to drive it down on Mother's day so there is a lot of things that need to be done in the next two weeks for this to happen. I can't wait to finally have this car and have another option besides my car with driving dd. I went and brought her a new car seat yesterday for this car. It should arrive early next week. Only problem is the seat is ff only so I am going to have to stop rf her. At least she is two and that is longer than most kids are rf so I don't feel too bad about it, plus I had no choice. This seat will last her the next 6 years wheras if I brought another convertible seat she will outgrow it in only a few years. At least this way I won't have to buy her another carseat again.
I was really pissed this morning again with having to wait another whole cycle. I am a planner and not knowing when my next AF is going to come, what the cycle plans are after that is very stressful. Add into it the fact I need to do the cycle before the end of June for insurance coverage and it just ups the stress. I research and seems like most RE want at least one natural AF after a failed cycle. I was getting worried that the reason why my RE won't put me on the pill now is because she doesn't want to treat us again or wants me to wait a few months. I won't find out anything until next Friday so that is stressing me. I'm really hoping that once this next AF comes I can start downregulating and then cycle afterwards. I looked at the calendar and I should be able to fit ER in before June 30 if that is the case. I figure the longest AF will take is 4 weeks. My usual cycle is 21-24 days. However I had a 28 day cycle after coming off the pill and after my d&c. The only longer cycle than that was when I was bf and after I weaned and had the non stop periods. So I figure even if AF takes 4 weeks and they put me on the anatagonist I will likely do ER around June 27 with ET June 30. If I do another flare protocal it will be even shorter and I may be 10dpo by June 30 and so hopefully can get a bfp then, however it is looking more likely that I will not have a bfp until at least July with an edd around mid March though I will probably give birth end of February.
Another thing I am worried about cycling so late in June is that I may have my citizenship interview around that time. I applied on March 30 and am going for the biometics May 7 (not sure why since I already did my prints last March and August so they should be current), and it is looking like the interview and test will be around end of June/early July according to other people's timelines. And knowing my luck and murphy's law it and ER will end up on the same day. I really really hope not.
I have been trying desparately to keep my mind off of ivf to get me through this limbo time. Luckily I have a few busy weeks coming up. DD has her private speech assessment on Monday and then her weekly OT after. Tuesday I am having my upper left premolar pulled. I have put it off for months because of cycling so now I can finally get it done without worrying about the work affecting my eggs. I will probably be seeing the dentist weekly for the next number of weeks after this for the bridge and also still need to put a crown on a root canal I had done last year. Figure since I only have dental insurance for a few more months might as well get the stuff done now while I can.
I also have a ton of work and red tape to deal with getting this car my parents brought me down here. They are hoping to drive it down on Mother's day so there is a lot of things that need to be done in the next two weeks for this to happen. I can't wait to finally have this car and have another option besides my car with driving dd. I went and brought her a new car seat yesterday for this car. It should arrive early next week. Only problem is the seat is ff only so I am going to have to stop rf her. At least she is two and that is longer than most kids are rf so I don't feel too bad about it, plus I had no choice. This seat will last her the next 6 years wheras if I brought another convertible seat she will outgrow it in only a few years. At least this way I won't have to buy her another carseat again.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Hate this doctor
So I went in for my beta this morning. Only reason why I went in is because I was planning on starting the pill tomorrow and they won't let me start without a negative beta. Well no surprise I'm not pregnant.
So I ask the nurse if I can start the pill and she said the doctor would like you to wait and do a f/u appt first. I tell her I really don't want to wait, my insurance renews July 1 and I really need to cycle before this. She then put me on hold to ask the doctor and comes back on and says no the doctor DOES NOT want you to take the pill this cycle. So there you have it. I am being forced to sit out for 2 cycles instead of just 1. I really need to cycle in June and now that is not looking like it will not be a possiblity.
I am really upset about this even more so than the bfn. I don't care about the bfn and was just looking forward to moving on and now that is put on hold until my next AF - which who knows how long that will be (I have short cycles so I was at least happy about that, but then I read how cycles are messed up after ivf and most people have much longer than normal cycles and many are anovulary too). I even thought about secretly taking the pill and stopping after a couple of weeks to get a withdraw bleed and then saying I got AF, but I think if I do this they will find out when they check my levels and do the scan.
So right now I am very frustrated that they can control my life and cycle like this. We go for our wtf appt next Friday (not like it matters getting it done quickly since I can't start anything until AF comes).
I am not really looking forward to this appt because I don't expect much of anything to come out of it except her saying you have diminished ovarian reserve and dh has crappy sperm.
Think I am going to buy some co-enzyme q10 tomorrow at the store and also start on losing some of this weight since I will not be one meds for the next few weeks at least.
So I ask the nurse if I can start the pill and she said the doctor would like you to wait and do a f/u appt first. I tell her I really don't want to wait, my insurance renews July 1 and I really need to cycle before this. She then put me on hold to ask the doctor and comes back on and says no the doctor DOES NOT want you to take the pill this cycle. So there you have it. I am being forced to sit out for 2 cycles instead of just 1. I really need to cycle in June and now that is not looking like it will not be a possiblity.
I am really upset about this even more so than the bfn. I don't care about the bfn and was just looking forward to moving on and now that is put on hold until my next AF - which who knows how long that will be (I have short cycles so I was at least happy about that, but then I read how cycles are messed up after ivf and most people have much longer than normal cycles and many are anovulary too). I even thought about secretly taking the pill and stopping after a couple of weeks to get a withdraw bleed and then saying I got AF, but I think if I do this they will find out when they check my levels and do the scan.
So right now I am very frustrated that they can control my life and cycle like this. We go for our wtf appt next Friday (not like it matters getting it done quickly since I can't start anything until AF comes).
I am not really looking forward to this appt because I don't expect much of anything to come out of it except her saying you have diminished ovarian reserve and dh has crappy sperm.
Think I am going to buy some co-enzyme q10 tomorrow at the store and also start on losing some of this weight since I will not be one meds for the next few weeks at least.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
The witch is here
That's right yesterdays red spotting turned into a medium flow this morning. It is over.
Just waiting until 8:30 so I can call the nurse and ask if I can do my beta tomorrow instead of Friday.
Not like it will make much of a deal now since I will probably have to wait until next Friday to from my RE about wtf to do next since they only meet on Thursdays, but at least I can save myself a crinone and 2 estrace pills. I know they won't let me stop them before the beta.
And just to make sure this isn't pregnancy bleeding I did 2 hpt this morning and got ghost lines on both. Yes I guess even frer have ghost lines now so just to upset women who are desparately ttc. Most normal people won't even look for ghost lines so they probably don't think it is a big deal, but for us women that desparately want to see 2 lines it really wraps with our heads. You would think spending over $4 for a test that it can show you a stalk white negative. Guess those $tree tests were not lying all these days.
Surprisely I am handling this bfn okay. Yes it does suck, yes I wish it was a bfp so we wouldn't have to do this again, but I knew this was coming. Back in March the psychic told me June was my month. I know many people don't put much faith in internet baby psychics but this women has been right for my 2 pregnancies on sex and month. So going into my first 2 ivfs I knew they would work. This time I knew before starting this cycle it would fail. April is not June. I tried to ignore this and tell myself maybe she was wrong and I will get my bfp in April, but nope. Of course this means if the next cycle fails I will be a complete mess because I have been looking forward to my June bfp for months now. Also this will be our last chance at cycling before our insurance renews and we really can't afford to pay for another deducible because I still have bills from this one left to be paid.
Just pissed off that we have to deal with this crap and debt for something everyone else gets for free minus the few bucks it costs them to buy a hpt.
Just waiting until 8:30 so I can call the nurse and ask if I can do my beta tomorrow instead of Friday.
Not like it will make much of a deal now since I will probably have to wait until next Friday to from my RE about wtf to do next since they only meet on Thursdays, but at least I can save myself a crinone and 2 estrace pills. I know they won't let me stop them before the beta.
And just to make sure this isn't pregnancy bleeding I did 2 hpt this morning and got ghost lines on both. Yes I guess even frer have ghost lines now so just to upset women who are desparately ttc. Most normal people won't even look for ghost lines so they probably don't think it is a big deal, but for us women that desparately want to see 2 lines it really wraps with our heads. You would think spending over $4 for a test that it can show you a stalk white negative. Guess those $tree tests were not lying all these days.
Surprisely I am handling this bfn okay. Yes it does suck, yes I wish it was a bfp so we wouldn't have to do this again, but I knew this was coming. Back in March the psychic told me June was my month. I know many people don't put much faith in internet baby psychics but this women has been right for my 2 pregnancies on sex and month. So going into my first 2 ivfs I knew they would work. This time I knew before starting this cycle it would fail. April is not June. I tried to ignore this and tell myself maybe she was wrong and I will get my bfp in April, but nope. Of course this means if the next cycle fails I will be a complete mess because I have been looking forward to my June bfp for months now. Also this will be our last chance at cycling before our insurance renews and we really can't afford to pay for another deducible because I still have bills from this one left to be paid.
Just pissed off that we have to deal with this crap and debt for something everyone else gets for free minus the few bucks it costs them to buy a hpt.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Nothing like bringing on AF by buying hpt
So went to Walmart this afternoon to pick up some frer and also picked up some more maxi pads. I probably looked like a nut checking out, but hey I knew I would be needing at least one of the items.
The brown spotting stopped shortly after it started so I was feeling better, but then tonight I went to the bathroom before giving dd her bath and there was bright red blood when I wiped.
Now I am sure it is over and I still have over 2 days until the beta.
Since it was after 6 I called the emergency oncall doctor. She was probably annoyed since I was just spotting and not bleeding heavily, but hey this is an emergency for me. I was hoping she would let me come in for bloodwork tomorrow, but she thinks it is just from using the crinone. Not sure how this is true since I use the crinone in the morning only - if that was the case shouldn't the blood be red then.
Anyways guess I just have to wait and see what happens.
I would like to put myself on bedrest for the evening, but the place is a mess and dd is having PT tomorrow morning here so I don't know what to do.
The brown spotting stopped shortly after it started so I was feeling better, but then tonight I went to the bathroom before giving dd her bath and there was bright red blood when I wiped.
Now I am sure it is over and I still have over 2 days until the beta.
Since it was after 6 I called the emergency oncall doctor. She was probably annoyed since I was just spotting and not bleeding heavily, but hey this is an emergency for me. I was hoping she would let me come in for bloodwork tomorrow, but she thinks it is just from using the crinone. Not sure how this is true since I use the crinone in the morning only - if that was the case shouldn't the blood be red then.
Anyways guess I just have to wait and see what happens.
I would like to put myself on bedrest for the evening, but the place is a mess and dd is having PT tomorrow morning here so I don't know what to do.
Think it is over
Having bad AF cramps now and feel like it is going to start at any moment. Than got a hint of brown blood on the crinone. Today is the day I am due for AF according to ff and was the day I started spotting and then bleeding after ivf #3.
Also the line on the test has faded to almost nothing now :(
Also the line on the test has faded to almost nothing now :(
Evaporate
So this morning's test is basically bfn. I waited for 30 minutes trying to see something but didn't. Then when I got up 2 hours later there was a clear evaporate line. Gray, thin and very faint, but visible and maybe a shade more prominant than the evaporate 2 days ago. Yesterday's test is still stalk white.
So I am left with a few conclusions.
1. That I have hcg in my body but the levels are so low that it takes hours to show even a faint line and since the line is so thin and faint it has no color.
2. That it is a true bfn being gray and way after the time limit. The only reason why I have a hard time believing this is that my test yesterday showed no evaporate line and same with all the tests I took ttc #1.
3. The dollar tree tests are just not working with me this time. For my past pregnancies I got clear bfp by this date, but I had high beta numbers too so maybe that is why.
Pregnancy #1 I got a visible bfp at 12 dpo (didn't test on $tree tests before this) and had a beta over 100 at 14 dpo.
Pregnancy #2 I got bfp at 10 dpo (didn't test earlier) and at 14dpo my number was over 250.
So doing the math I had a beta around 50 when I first tested. The $tree say they pick up 25 or above.
I'm just guessing that if one embryo did stick that it was late and the hcg is very very low.
I don't know. Will be buying some frer this afternoon. Looks like I have no choice but to test again.
I really hate wasting the money on the frer without a clear bfp on the $tree tests, but I can't stand this maybe, maybe not answer, though I must say an evaporate is still better than yesterday's stalk white result. Even if the evaporate is false at least it is giving me a bit of hope today.
So I am left with a few conclusions.
1. That I have hcg in my body but the levels are so low that it takes hours to show even a faint line and since the line is so thin and faint it has no color.
2. That it is a true bfn being gray and way after the time limit. The only reason why I have a hard time believing this is that my test yesterday showed no evaporate line and same with all the tests I took ttc #1.
3. The dollar tree tests are just not working with me this time. For my past pregnancies I got clear bfp by this date, but I had high beta numbers too so maybe that is why.
Pregnancy #1 I got a visible bfp at 12 dpo (didn't test on $tree tests before this) and had a beta over 100 at 14 dpo.
Pregnancy #2 I got bfp at 10 dpo (didn't test earlier) and at 14dpo my number was over 250.
So doing the math I had a beta around 50 when I first tested. The $tree say they pick up 25 or above.
I'm just guessing that if one embryo did stick that it was late and the hcg is very very low.
I don't know. Will be buying some frer this afternoon. Looks like I have no choice but to test again.
I really hate wasting the money on the frer without a clear bfp on the $tree tests, but I can't stand this maybe, maybe not answer, though I must say an evaporate is still better than yesterday's stalk white result. Even if the evaporate is false at least it is giving me a bit of hope today.
Monday, April 23, 2012
8dp3dt
BFN. No other way to describe it, just a Big Fat Negative :(
Not even a hint of a line or evaporate that I can imagine.
I know it is still early and that things can change, but I am not feeling too hopeful.
Sucks though because I have so many signs due to the meds - hate how they play tricks with your mind.
Not even a hint of a line or evaporate that I can imagine.
I know it is still early and that things can change, but I am not feeling too hopeful.
Sucks though because I have so many signs due to the meds - hate how they play tricks with your mind.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Inconclusive
That is the answer to today's test. Well really it is bfn, but I don't want to believe that so I keep trying to look at it and try and see a line. Sometimes I can and sometimes I can't, so looks like a dreaded evaporate. I can't believe it. For all my times ttc I never had to deal with evaporates. It was always clearly stalk white. This time I can see the hint of where the line should be. I don't know if it is because I know there should be a line there so I imagine it, or if there really is hcg in my urine, but it still left over trigger. Guess this is what I get with testing with a dollar tree test and at 10dpo.
It is upsetting because my last cycle I got a clear bfp on this day, but of course I was carrying twins. With my singleton pregnancy I didn't get a very faint bfp until 12 dpo when I first starting testing (well I did test at 10 dpo with that cycle, but I don't count it since it was only with a IC and even when my beta was over 100 at 14dpo it was still giving me a bfn).
Guess all I can do is just wait for tomorrow and retest again.
It is upsetting because my last cycle I got a clear bfp on this day, but of course I was carrying twins. With my singleton pregnancy I didn't get a very faint bfp until 12 dpo when I first starting testing (well I did test at 10 dpo with that cycle, but I don't count it since it was only with a IC and even when my beta was over 100 at 14dpo it was still giving me a bfn).
Guess all I can do is just wait for tomorrow and retest again.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
6dp3dt
Still not much in terms of news to report. I had originally planned to start testing tomorrow, now I am not too sure. I am starting to get scared. I really hate this. I really hate that we have to go through all of this just to get a chance of pregnancy. That not only will we know if it works or not, but so will the doctor, nurse, and pretty much everyone else who asks or has access to my chart.
Though I love ivf because we wouldn't have been able to be parents without it, I hate it for everything I have to go through.
Though I love ivf because we wouldn't have been able to be parents without it, I hate it for everything I have to go through.
Friday, April 20, 2012
One week down
So today is 5dp3dt or 8 dpo and the cramps I was feeling a couple of days ago are gone. So is pretty much any symptoms I had and a lot of my hope. I know this is normal to feel this way at this stage and I am blaming it on likely the trigger probably being totally out of my body finally. Hopefully things will change over the next few days, but at this time it is hard to think beyond today.
In one week though I will find out the real answer and that also scares me that next week and this time we will know one way or the other. Though I hate this wait, at this point being pupo is better than getting a bfn.
I have also started scrunching our two embryos that were transferred over, wondering if really 6 cells on day 3 is all that great. Most doctors want to see 8 by then. I keep telling myself we had success with a 6 cell before and the RE that day said these embryos were good, but it is hard waiting which then makes you second guess everything.
Today I received word that we had no embryos to freeze, which we knew was true. Really wished that our clinic would have just freezed on day 3 anyways no matter the embryo quality.
I also picked up 5 hpt today from the dollar store. I figure this way I won't have to go back there for a while.
I am praying this cycle works, but I must admit that this tww isn't as bad as my last 2. I think because I have a child already now, wheras before we were ttc #1. I can live with a bfn, though I won't be happy, at least I will still be a mom, this is something that I couldn't say before. I don't care what people say primary IF is a million times worse than secondary IF. I just thank God that when we were ttc #1 that both ivf's resulted in me getting pregnant (even though the first I ended up losing). At least I never needed to experience the horrible news on the phone of a cycle not working (of course at the time I would rather have that than getting the no hb news during a routine u/s appt).
In one week though I will find out the real answer and that also scares me that next week and this time we will know one way or the other. Though I hate this wait, at this point being pupo is better than getting a bfn.
I have also started scrunching our two embryos that were transferred over, wondering if really 6 cells on day 3 is all that great. Most doctors want to see 8 by then. I keep telling myself we had success with a 6 cell before and the RE that day said these embryos were good, but it is hard waiting which then makes you second guess everything.
Today I received word that we had no embryos to freeze, which we knew was true. Really wished that our clinic would have just freezed on day 3 anyways no matter the embryo quality.
I also picked up 5 hpt today from the dollar store. I figure this way I won't have to go back there for a while.
I am praying this cycle works, but I must admit that this tww isn't as bad as my last 2. I think because I have a child already now, wheras before we were ttc #1. I can live with a bfn, though I won't be happy, at least I will still be a mom, this is something that I couldn't say before. I don't care what people say primary IF is a million times worse than secondary IF. I just thank God that when we were ttc #1 that both ivf's resulted in me getting pregnant (even though the first I ended up losing). At least I never needed to experience the horrible news on the phone of a cycle not working (of course at the time I would rather have that than getting the no hb news during a routine u/s appt).
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
3dp3dt
So I am almost half way through this tww. If our embryos are still alive they should be over 100 cells by now and hatching out and attaching to the uterine wall.
I am lucky that this week I have been fairly busy in between dd's therapies and doing house calls I haven't had much time to think about things. Unfortunately because of this I forget many times that I am in the tww and I have lifted dd and bent over too many times to count. Not like it matters since I also tripped over dd's baby gate twice already in the past 3 days and landed face first on the floor. If these embryos made it through that they should make it through anything.
So onto symptoms - so far not much. Started getting sharp uterine cramps today. Not sure if it is from the meds or something else. I have experienced cramping so many times in normal cycles before that sounds like plantation cramp that now I can't put any stock in them and think it is just normal hormonal stuff and fertile women think it is from implantation because they only really experience a couple tww.
I do have a scare a couple of nights ago. My abdomen was cramping pretty bad and my stomach appeared huge (5 month pregnant size). I have never been worried much about OHSS being a poor responder but I couldn't explain this intense pain. By mid day yesterday though I was feeling better thank goodness. Of course this just means that my stomach is a lot fatter than I thought it was :(
I have also decided when I am going to test. My beta is next Friday 15 days past ER. I decided to start on Sunday day 10 and continue until Tuesday. I will then stop if it is still negative and test after I return from my blood draw on Friday. This way I can still hold onto some hope for a positive beta, and if it is negative on Friday then I can prepare myself all day for the phone call that afternoon. I am so grateful though it is on Friday since dh will be home and we won't have to be anywhere or do anything.
I am lucky that this week I have been fairly busy in between dd's therapies and doing house calls I haven't had much time to think about things. Unfortunately because of this I forget many times that I am in the tww and I have lifted dd and bent over too many times to count. Not like it matters since I also tripped over dd's baby gate twice already in the past 3 days and landed face first on the floor. If these embryos made it through that they should make it through anything.
So onto symptoms - so far not much. Started getting sharp uterine cramps today. Not sure if it is from the meds or something else. I have experienced cramping so many times in normal cycles before that sounds like plantation cramp that now I can't put any stock in them and think it is just normal hormonal stuff and fertile women think it is from implantation because they only really experience a couple tww.
I do have a scare a couple of nights ago. My abdomen was cramping pretty bad and my stomach appeared huge (5 month pregnant size). I have never been worried much about OHSS being a poor responder but I couldn't explain this intense pain. By mid day yesterday though I was feeling better thank goodness. Of course this just means that my stomach is a lot fatter than I thought it was :(
I have also decided when I am going to test. My beta is next Friday 15 days past ER. I decided to start on Sunday day 10 and continue until Tuesday. I will then stop if it is still negative and test after I return from my blood draw on Friday. This way I can still hold onto some hope for a positive beta, and if it is negative on Friday then I can prepare myself all day for the phone call that afternoon. I am so grateful though it is on Friday since dh will be home and we won't have to be anywhere or do anything.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Pupo
First bit of information: embryos are graded on how perfect they look. The theory is more perfect looking embryos have a higher chance to implant. It is hard to say exactly how true this is since most of us don't know what we looked like as embryos, so all they can do is see how embryos look as close to the picture in books. On day 3 embryos should be 6-8 cells (preferable 8) and have little to no fragments (A is under 10% frags, B is 10-25%, C is 25-50%, D is over 50%).
So they transferred two 6 cell B quality
embryos. Unfortunately the third embryo was graded C and the doctor said that they don't freeze C embryos. I was pretty miffed about this that I didn't even get a say. I know that C embryos have a lower chance of success, but it doesn't mean that they don't all fail, but now we will never know. Of course I couldn't have them put in all three and risk the chance of high order multiples.
So now I am pregnant until proven otherwise. Hopefully at least one of these 6B embryos sticks. The cycle I had my twins one was a 7A and one was 6B so that makes me feel good that I have had success with a 6B before.
So they transferred two 6 cell B quality
embryos. Unfortunately the third embryo was graded C and the doctor said that they don't freeze C embryos. I was pretty miffed about this that I didn't even get a say. I know that C embryos have a lower chance of success, but it doesn't mean that they don't all fail, but now we will never know. Of course I couldn't have them put in all three and risk the chance of high order multiples.
So now I am pregnant until proven otherwise. Hopefully at least one of these 6B embryos sticks. The cycle I had my twins one was a 7A and one was 6B so that makes me feel good that I have had success with a 6B before.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Fertilization report
Well I was going crazy with worry today because it is the day that we got the bad news last cycle and where everything came to a big fast halt. I am still jaded by that experience so I was sick with worry. To make things worse they didn't call me until after 3. Don't know if that was good or not. Last time they called at 1:30 so I took the wait as a good sign.
Anyways out of the 5 eggs from Thursday, we have 3 embryos so that is average and I am happy. I have transfer tomorrow at 10:50. Unfortunately dh is working so I have to go myself and also make a decision on the number to transfer. I think I have finally come to an answer for this. I will transfer the best two unless they are all very poor quality and only then will I do three. I haven't had trouble getting pregnant after transfer before so putting in three good embryos is basically out of question.
Anyways out of the 5 eggs from Thursday, we have 3 embryos so that is average and I am happy. I have transfer tomorrow at 10:50. Unfortunately dh is working so I have to go myself and also make a decision on the number to transfer. I think I have finally come to an answer for this. I will transfer the best two unless they are all very poor quality and only then will I do three. I haven't had trouble getting pregnant after transfer before so putting in three good embryos is basically out of question.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
ER
First I need to apologize for any mistakes, my laptop died so I am left with writing on my phone only.
So ER was today. Because of what happened last time I was extremely nervous today. I told dh yesterday that I would be estacive if we got at least 5 since I know my numbers were worse than last time and we only got 4 crappy eggs. Also I was so worried that I was going to wake up and hear them say they got none or one that I was a basket of nerves. We had the same nurse, bed, and anesthesiologist as last time - it was starting to feel like déjà vu. Luckily the doctor doing the procedure was different. He asked how many retrievals I already had and I told him three. He then exclaimed then we got to make sure this one works. I didn't tell him we did get one child already out of those 3 cycles. Then I ended up telling the nurse about Caleb. Didn't mean too but she kept asking questions about Caitlyn and the pregnancy and so it came out. I don't know how to answer people sometimes. They ask well meaning questions, but questions I can't answer easily without making the person feel bad for asking.
Anyways they got 5 eggs which I was happy about. I don't know if it is because the worry was finally over, the amount was higher than last time, or the fact that based on my numbers it was only looking like 6 good eggs at most. The doctor said he hoped for more but that the 5 looked good. I didn't tell him that I was overjoyed to have 5. Funny how 1 number makes a difference. Last cycle I was devastated with 4, and this time I am happy with 5. Right now I am hoping for at least 3 to fertilize. I won't find out until Saturdsy. Overall I feel pretty good though, not tired at all which is good because I have my monthly loss group meeting tonight and I am looking forward to going.
So ER was today. Because of what happened last time I was extremely nervous today. I told dh yesterday that I would be estacive if we got at least 5 since I know my numbers were worse than last time and we only got 4 crappy eggs. Also I was so worried that I was going to wake up and hear them say they got none or one that I was a basket of nerves. We had the same nurse, bed, and anesthesiologist as last time - it was starting to feel like déjà vu. Luckily the doctor doing the procedure was different. He asked how many retrievals I already had and I told him three. He then exclaimed then we got to make sure this one works. I didn't tell him we did get one child already out of those 3 cycles. Then I ended up telling the nurse about Caleb. Didn't mean too but she kept asking questions about Caitlyn and the pregnancy and so it came out. I don't know how to answer people sometimes. They ask well meaning questions, but questions I can't answer easily without making the person feel bad for asking.
Anyways they got 5 eggs which I was happy about. I don't know if it is because the worry was finally over, the amount was higher than last time, or the fact that based on my numbers it was only looking like 6 good eggs at most. The doctor said he hoped for more but that the 5 looked good. I didn't tell him that I was overjoyed to have 5. Funny how 1 number makes a difference. Last cycle I was devastated with 4, and this time I am happy with 5. Right now I am hoping for at least 3 to fertilize. I won't find out until Saturdsy. Overall I feel pretty good though, not tired at all which is good because I have my monthly loss group meeting tonight and I am looking forward to going.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Trigger night
So like I thought I will be trigger tonight at 8 with a ER at 9am on Thursday. They increased the time from 36 hours to 37 and I am doing the shot IM in hopes that we don't get the empty follicle problem like last time.
My results today were
Estrogen 1263
left ovary - 12.2, 15.5, 17.9, 22.4
right ovary - 12.6, 12.7, 16.9, 17.8, 19.4, 22
So not the greatest. Last cycle on trigger day I had estrogen of 1400 and 11 follicles all between 15-20.
This time my estrogen is lower and my follicles are all spread out. The 12's are too small, and the 22's may be too large so it looks like there is only 5 follicles out of the 11 that are decent and who even knows if they contain anything. I am not sure why I have the huge range in size. Maybe because I am not using an anatagonist or only on the pill for 12 days instead of the normal 21 for the anatagonist cycles.
My results today were
Estrogen 1263
left ovary - 12.2, 15.5, 17.9, 22.4
right ovary - 12.6, 12.7, 16.9, 17.8, 19.4, 22
So not the greatest. Last cycle on trigger day I had estrogen of 1400 and 11 follicles all between 15-20.
This time my estrogen is lower and my follicles are all spread out. The 12's are too small, and the 22's may be too large so it looks like there is only 5 follicles out of the 11 that are decent and who even knows if they contain anything. I am not sure why I have the huge range in size. Maybe because I am not using an anatagonist or only on the pill for 12 days instead of the normal 21 for the anatagonist cycles.
Monday, April 9, 2012
2nd monitoring appt
Well it seems that my body is responding much quicker with the flare protical than the anatagonist. Of course I don't know if this is good or not since it isn't how quick or how many eggs you get, but how many good ones what matters.
My lead follicle was 12 something on Friday and today it is 19.8.
The rest are in the 16 range or 11-12 range so I have at least another day of stims and have to go back tomorrow to see how things look. If they continue growing this fast it is looking like tomorrow night will be triggering with ER on Thursday. The only thing that sucks about this is that that night is my monthly pregnancy loss group meeting. I really want to go, oh well, worse comes to worse I will just have dh drive me there - it is just down the street so not that far. DH also has a dentist appt on Thursday so that will need to be changed if we go Thursday. Of course Friday dd has an ENT appt to follow up on her surgery so it looks like whatever I do I will have to call and reschedule an appt.
Here is the breakdown:
estrogen 1086 (so doubled since Friday)
left ovary - 11.4, 11.5, 12.9, 16, 16.8
right ovary - 11.1, 12.3, 15.2, 16, 16.3, 19.8
Oh and I found out why the u/s tech and nurse give me different numbers from one u/s scan. The tech says she tends to round up, also she will count a 9.9 follicle where as the nurse won't, so that is probably why the tech told me last time I had 4 on my right when the nurse only said 2.
My lead follicle was 12 something on Friday and today it is 19.8.
The rest are in the 16 range or 11-12 range so I have at least another day of stims and have to go back tomorrow to see how things look. If they continue growing this fast it is looking like tomorrow night will be triggering with ER on Thursday. The only thing that sucks about this is that that night is my monthly pregnancy loss group meeting. I really want to go, oh well, worse comes to worse I will just have dh drive me there - it is just down the street so not that far. DH also has a dentist appt on Thursday so that will need to be changed if we go Thursday. Of course Friday dd has an ENT appt to follow up on her surgery so it looks like whatever I do I will have to call and reschedule an appt.
Here is the breakdown:
estrogen 1086 (so doubled since Friday)
left ovary - 11.4, 11.5, 12.9, 16, 16.8
right ovary - 11.1, 12.3, 15.2, 16, 16.3, 19.8
Oh and I found out why the u/s tech and nurse give me different numbers from one u/s scan. The tech says she tends to round up, also she will count a 9.9 follicle where as the nurse won't, so that is probably why the tech told me last time I had 4 on my right when the nurse only said 2.
Friday, April 6, 2012
First monitoring appt
This is my 4th ivf cycle and I still don't understand why what the tech tells me when she is doing the u/s and what the nurse tells me when she calls doesn't add up.
This morning the tech told me I had 4 follicles on my right and 2 on my left. This makes sense with my right hurting a few days ago, haven't felt me left at all.
The nurse just called me 30 minutes ago and says I have a 12.4 and 12.6 on the left and 10.4 and 10.8 on the right. So I don't know who to believe.
My estrogen is 515 surprisely. Maybe the flare protocal is better with increasing my estrogen level because with all 3 anatagonist cycles rised very very slowly.
They wanted me to go back on Sunday, but that would be in Lexington and they didn't have an appt later than 7:15. I asked if we could push it out to Monday since I really didn't want to leave Sunday at 5 and drive 2 hours each way for bloodwork and u/s, plus Sunday is Easter and I had plans on celebrating with dd (and hopefully dh before he goes to work). The nurse asked the doctor who agreed, but they weren't too happy saying I can be comprise my cycle. I am sorry, but I really don't think things will matter at this point with pushing it out one extra day. I mean at best the 12's would be 16's on Sunday and that is still too early to trigger. I didn't want a repeat of last cycle were I was forced to go to Lexington on the Sunday and then they never even triggered me that night, nor the following night. I already have to drive to Boston later on on Sunday for Easter dinner, I really can't do that drive twice in one day, plus with the price of gas - no freaking way.
Oh and the gonal-f headaches have not gotten any better. Hope they go away soon. I have been walking around all week with the biggest headache ever and I can't even take anything for it.
This morning the tech told me I had 4 follicles on my right and 2 on my left. This makes sense with my right hurting a few days ago, haven't felt me left at all.
The nurse just called me 30 minutes ago and says I have a 12.4 and 12.6 on the left and 10.4 and 10.8 on the right. So I don't know who to believe.
My estrogen is 515 surprisely. Maybe the flare protocal is better with increasing my estrogen level because with all 3 anatagonist cycles rised very very slowly.
They wanted me to go back on Sunday, but that would be in Lexington and they didn't have an appt later than 7:15. I asked if we could push it out to Monday since I really didn't want to leave Sunday at 5 and drive 2 hours each way for bloodwork and u/s, plus Sunday is Easter and I had plans on celebrating with dd (and hopefully dh before he goes to work). The nurse asked the doctor who agreed, but they weren't too happy saying I can be comprise my cycle. I am sorry, but I really don't think things will matter at this point with pushing it out one extra day. I mean at best the 12's would be 16's on Sunday and that is still too early to trigger. I didn't want a repeat of last cycle were I was forced to go to Lexington on the Sunday and then they never even triggered me that night, nor the following night. I already have to drive to Boston later on on Sunday for Easter dinner, I really can't do that drive twice in one day, plus with the price of gas - no freaking way.
Oh and the gonal-f headaches have not gotten any better. Hope they go away soon. I have been walking around all week with the biggest headache ever and I can't even take anything for it.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Knew it was going to happen
I got reported on ff. Being on the hormones have not been helping my mood so it has made me even less tolerant of some of the noob posts on ff. I happened to go on GTTC board this morning which I really shouldn't have with being on high doses of fsh and lupron and still bleeding from AF,but I did because I was bored. There is a post on there from someone newly pregnant saying what worked for her. This happens every month on that board and it is always the same old same old BS. So the poster writes 3 or 4 long paragraphs about everything she has took this past month under the sun. I really like how people do this, like they think they have discovered the secret to getting pregnant. Then I look at the poster's join date and it says Feb 28, 2012. WTF! That is just 1 month ago! So I write a snipe comment about how I find it funny someone who only joined one month ago is trying to write a how to become pregnant post and I tell her that she likely would have gotten pregnant anyhow this month and could have saved herself all the money she spent on vitex and other herbs and pills.
So someone reported me, no surprise there. You know because I didn't wish this woman a happy pregnancy and tell her how awesome she is that she thinks she found the secret ingredient to getting pregnant. Sorry I have little sympathy for such posts. When you are giving yourself 4-5 injections a day for ivf #4 you don't need to hear from a poster who believes that since they started prenatals this month that it is a tip that they can offer others to help them conceive too. Because everyone knows all us women need to do is follow the same things you did and it would work for us too. Excuse me while I go barf in the toilet.
So someone reported me, no surprise there. You know because I didn't wish this woman a happy pregnancy and tell her how awesome she is that she thinks she found the secret ingredient to getting pregnant. Sorry I have little sympathy for such posts. When you are giving yourself 4-5 injections a day for ivf #4 you don't need to hear from a poster who believes that since they started prenatals this month that it is a tip that they can offer others to help them conceive too. Because everyone knows all us women need to do is follow the same things you did and it would work for us too. Excuse me while I go barf in the toilet.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Headaches and fight with dh
So 2 days after starting the gonal-f the symptoms are starting again. My head has been pounding the past 3 days and today my right ovary started hurting again.
Unfortunately the hormones and dh being off his med is not mixing well. We had a huge fight today and he even threatened that he will not do this cycle. I told him he can't do that since he already signed the consents and I am already in the middle of the cycle. His response was "too bad". I told him if he did that I will sue him, unfortunately dh learned too much from me and knows that sueing won't even do anything since he is broke and has nothing to lose. Doesn't help that his mother tells him that we shouldn't have another child.
I am really upset that I have to go through all the pain of ivf because of my husband's infertility and he doesn't even want another child (in fact he would be even happier not to even have any kids). I wish I could go back in time to where I was younger and found someone else who was fertile and wanted kids more than anything. Instead I married a guy who is still a kid (despite being almost 37) and wants to keep things that way and children mean growing up - something he doesn't want to do.
Unfortunately the hormones and dh being off his med is not mixing well. We had a huge fight today and he even threatened that he will not do this cycle. I told him he can't do that since he already signed the consents and I am already in the middle of the cycle. His response was "too bad". I told him if he did that I will sue him, unfortunately dh learned too much from me and knows that sueing won't even do anything since he is broke and has nothing to lose. Doesn't help that his mother tells him that we shouldn't have another child.
I am really upset that I have to go through all the pain of ivf because of my husband's infertility and he doesn't even want another child (in fact he would be even happier not to even have any kids). I wish I could go back in time to where I was younger and found someone else who was fertile and wanted kids more than anything. Instead I married a guy who is still a kid (despite being almost 37) and wants to keep things that way and children mean growing up - something he doesn't want to do.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Day 1
Today my period came. Praying that it stays light since I was on bcp.
I also started the gonal-f today so at least AF made good timing.
So now I am up to 4 shots daily (and sometimes 5 if I am at the end of the pen).
Unfortunately I have another 6 days to wait to see what is going on.
Hoping for ER for 12-13 days from now so that way dh won't have to take a day off work.
He is working doubles the next few Sundays, which suck,but it works out good in case he needs to take a day off, or if he doesn't he will get a ton of overtime pay which we could definateky use. We went $200 over budget last month and this month is even worse. Too make it worse, I am already buying for Christmas (still haven't paid off last Christmas), but I am justifying it because of the sales so I have no choice. Today I spent $70 on 2 gifts for dd, but got my 2 nephews gifts for free.
Oh and I am not too impressed with Freedom Pharacy. Last night when I was giving my lupron dose I noticed there wasn't too many syringes left. I just started the lupron 2 days before. On my order it says 24 syringes, but when I count how many were remaining and how many I used I found out that they only sent my 14. That will only bring me to Thursday morning (day 5 of stims) so looks like I will be calling them tomorrow. I do have 3 refills, but the point is they jeeped my out of 10 syringes.
Also have to call my insurance since I received a $20 charge yesterday for my pap back in January. I am getting really pissed with this insurance. They should know that paps are suppose to be covered in full! I really don't have time for all these calls.
I also started the gonal-f today so at least AF made good timing.
So now I am up to 4 shots daily (and sometimes 5 if I am at the end of the pen).
Unfortunately I have another 6 days to wait to see what is going on.
Hoping for ER for 12-13 days from now so that way dh won't have to take a day off work.
He is working doubles the next few Sundays, which suck,but it works out good in case he needs to take a day off, or if he doesn't he will get a ton of overtime pay which we could definateky use. We went $200 over budget last month and this month is even worse. Too make it worse, I am already buying for Christmas (still haven't paid off last Christmas), but I am justifying it because of the sales so I have no choice. Today I spent $70 on 2 gifts for dd, but got my 2 nephews gifts for free.
Oh and I am not too impressed with Freedom Pharacy. Last night when I was giving my lupron dose I noticed there wasn't too many syringes left. I just started the lupron 2 days before. On my order it says 24 syringes, but when I count how many were remaining and how many I used I found out that they only sent my 14. That will only bring me to Thursday morning (day 5 of stims) so looks like I will be calling them tomorrow. I do have 3 refills, but the point is they jeeped my out of 10 syringes.
Also have to call my insurance since I received a $20 charge yesterday for my pap back in January. I am getting really pissed with this insurance. They should know that paps are suppose to be covered in full! I really don't have time for all these calls.
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