So I have come to a very weird realization today. In both my pregnancies I turned 21 weeks on holidays. Last time it was Christmas day, this time it is Halloween. I find this very odd.
This is a big milestone for me because it was on this date in time that ds died last pregnancy. He had a heartbeat Christmas morning and no longer a heartbeat on the 26th so some time from 21w0d and 21w1d he died. It feels good to reach my 2nd loss point. Of course it totally doesn't elimate my fears, it does help instill in me that this baby will likely stay and live.
I feel the baby a lot more now, but it is more in the evening. I am not sure if this is just when the baby more active or when I am finally able to rest after putting dd to bed. I must say it is totally different being pregnant when already taking care of a child. 90% of the time the pregnancy takes a backburner and is only a passing thought since my day is so preoccupied with dd. I am wondering if this will change once I get larger and it is no longer easy to hide it in public.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Friday, October 26, 2012
20w2d
Last night I had a dream that I was at a play put on by dd's school. I got tired of waiting for her to come on so I took a break and went and helped make baby baskets. Once I was done with that I returned and there had some kids in her class performing, but not her. After that last performance the show was over. I realized then I had missed seeing dd perform because I was too impatient to wait and instead decided to do this baby stuff to help past the time until it was her turn.
I think this dream is a big sign that I need to watch what I am doing and not forget dd with this new baby coming. I don't think I am doing that - in fact I think the opposite - most of the time I forget I am pregnant because I am so busy dealing with dd. However, likely once the baby gets here I will need to watch this.
In other news, I just got rid of all my left over ivf drugs. I placed the ad yesterday for the 2nd time - first time was a few weeks ago, but the stupid site never posted it. This morning I had 2 emails in my inbox. One was from someone 4 hours away asking if I would sell them at a very reduced price if she came to pick them up. Since I really didn't want to be bothered with mailing stuff, I agreed. Throughout the day I got phonecalls from all over the US, but I never answered.
Anyways, I was really nervous about doing this, but we really needed the money and I really want this meds to go to use to help someone. However, both me and dh couldn't shake this bad feeling we had. So in order to make myself feel better I decided to research this women. The women told me a sob story about how she has just been diagnosised with cancer and now has to cycle before having chemo and radiation. I should know better than to believe a story like that, but I give people the benefit of the doubt.
I figured I would find out nothing at all by googling this person's email and phone number, or at most that they are a good normal person. Well turns out I was wrong. Appartently this woman is a known scammer on many sites with a bunch of different allias which she uses to buy meds for cheap or free and then resell them for a big profit.
I couldn't believe that I actually felt guilty doing what I did with my left over meds when what this woman is doing is way way worse and not only is she selling meds once, but on a continuous basis.
I can't believe that there are people out there like that that would do such a thing to infertile couples, not to mention lying about having cancer.
I think this dream is a big sign that I need to watch what I am doing and not forget dd with this new baby coming. I don't think I am doing that - in fact I think the opposite - most of the time I forget I am pregnant because I am so busy dealing with dd. However, likely once the baby gets here I will need to watch this.
In other news, I just got rid of all my left over ivf drugs. I placed the ad yesterday for the 2nd time - first time was a few weeks ago, but the stupid site never posted it. This morning I had 2 emails in my inbox. One was from someone 4 hours away asking if I would sell them at a very reduced price if she came to pick them up. Since I really didn't want to be bothered with mailing stuff, I agreed. Throughout the day I got phonecalls from all over the US, but I never answered.
Anyways, I was really nervous about doing this, but we really needed the money and I really want this meds to go to use to help someone. However, both me and dh couldn't shake this bad feeling we had. So in order to make myself feel better I decided to research this women. The women told me a sob story about how she has just been diagnosised with cancer and now has to cycle before having chemo and radiation. I should know better than to believe a story like that, but I give people the benefit of the doubt.
I figured I would find out nothing at all by googling this person's email and phone number, or at most that they are a good normal person. Well turns out I was wrong. Appartently this woman is a known scammer on many sites with a bunch of different allias which she uses to buy meds for cheap or free and then resell them for a big profit.
I couldn't believe that I actually felt guilty doing what I did with my left over meds when what this woman is doing is way way worse and not only is she selling meds once, but on a continuous basis.
I can't believe that there are people out there like that that would do such a thing to infertile couples, not to mention lying about having cancer.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
20 weeks
Finally half way through the pregnancy.
Here's hoping to a better 2nd half.
I am still 1 week away from when ds died so that will be a big milestone for me.
Then 4 weeks from viability - not like it means much because being viabile is different than actually being able to live and be normal.
8 weeks away from 3rd trimester and survibility increase to 95%.
11 weeks away from when I gave birth last time.
17 weeks away from full-term
and 19 weeks away from earliest c-section date if there is no problems.
I am also worried because the longer I go the higher the chance I can get pre-eclampsia and iugr agin. Of course if it happens at the end it isn't as big of a deal, but I really wish I won't have to deal with those things again.
Here's hoping to a better 2nd half.
I am still 1 week away from when ds died so that will be a big milestone for me.
Then 4 weeks from viability - not like it means much because being viabile is different than actually being able to live and be normal.
8 weeks away from 3rd trimester and survibility increase to 95%.
11 weeks away from when I gave birth last time.
17 weeks away from full-term
and 19 weeks away from earliest c-section date if there is no problems.
I am also worried because the longer I go the higher the chance I can get pre-eclampsia and iugr agin. Of course if it happens at the end it isn't as big of a deal, but I really wish I won't have to deal with those things again.
Monday, October 22, 2012
19w5d
So I have been feeling good about this pregnancy since I haven't had a loss dream, well that ended last night. Well I did technology had a loss dream back in the 1st trimester, but that was a loss after birth so different. The reason why m/c dreams scare me is because I have had one before both my losses before and they were pretty similar in experience. This one was similar in that I gave birth to the baby that was born too soon to save, only difference was this time the baby wasn't alive, unlike the dream I had with the twins they were both alive and trying to breathe at 15 weeks but couldn't really.
In this dream I went to the toilet and felt a plop. I knew immediately what it meant. Then I had a few more plops. I prayed that it wasn't what I thought it was and only in my imagine, but nope when I got up and looked there was the baby at the bottom of the toilet, and the placenta - the 2nd plop on the top of the water. I couldn't make out the baby well at all, but knew it was likely there on the bottom. I debated for a minute what to do. Wanting to fish it out of the toilet bottom, but also scared to do so. Also feeling upset that I was no longer pregnant and had loss the baby. It was at this point I woke up.
I am trying to tell myself that the dream doesn't mean anything. If it was true, I would have been in a lot of pain, etc. I didn't experience any pain during the birth in the dream. It was just one minute I was pregnant and then needed to go to the bathroom and then out comes the baby. No pushing or pain. Meanwhile if this was real I would be having contractions for hours before hand, as well as know what was about to happen.
Tomorrow is the last day I can possibly have a m/c anyhow, unfortunately it isn't the last day I could have a loss. I am still a week away from the point where ds died, so maybe that is playing into this dream.
I also worry that I don't feel the baby as much as I should. I know it is early and some people don't feel the baby at all at this point, but I would feel much better if I felt constant strong movements. Most of the movements I do feel are still what I would consider flutters. Also though my stomach has popped, I don't look pregnant to other people, just very fat. I blame being long waisted and having a pear shape on this. Normally my weight is just in my hips and thighs, but now with my stomach getting bigger it just makes me look like I big and fat all over. I really don't know if I will ever have a proper pregnancy belly.
In this dream I went to the toilet and felt a plop. I knew immediately what it meant. Then I had a few more plops. I prayed that it wasn't what I thought it was and only in my imagine, but nope when I got up and looked there was the baby at the bottom of the toilet, and the placenta - the 2nd plop on the top of the water. I couldn't make out the baby well at all, but knew it was likely there on the bottom. I debated for a minute what to do. Wanting to fish it out of the toilet bottom, but also scared to do so. Also feeling upset that I was no longer pregnant and had loss the baby. It was at this point I woke up.
I am trying to tell myself that the dream doesn't mean anything. If it was true, I would have been in a lot of pain, etc. I didn't experience any pain during the birth in the dream. It was just one minute I was pregnant and then needed to go to the bathroom and then out comes the baby. No pushing or pain. Meanwhile if this was real I would be having contractions for hours before hand, as well as know what was about to happen.
Tomorrow is the last day I can possibly have a m/c anyhow, unfortunately it isn't the last day I could have a loss. I am still a week away from the point where ds died, so maybe that is playing into this dream.
I also worry that I don't feel the baby as much as I should. I know it is early and some people don't feel the baby at all at this point, but I would feel much better if I felt constant strong movements. Most of the movements I do feel are still what I would consider flutters. Also though my stomach has popped, I don't look pregnant to other people, just very fat. I blame being long waisted and having a pear shape on this. Normally my weight is just in my hips and thighs, but now with my stomach getting bigger it just makes me look like I big and fat all over. I really don't know if I will ever have a proper pregnancy belly.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
19w4d
So my MIL called on Friday about a psychic convection happening in town and wanted to know if I wanted to go. I agreed, thinking it could be fine. I didn't really have anything I cared about knowing right now. I am finally pregnant, know the sex, and feel confident that things will work out financially and work wise for us. It was $20 for a 15 min reading. MIL went to a medium to try and connect with her mother who passed almost 2 years ago. I asked them to just give me any psychic that didn't have a long wait. I had a choice between one that reads palms and tarot cards, and another that is into numerology. I really didn't care and really just wanted someone who I could look and touch me and tell me my deepest darkest secrets. I don't believe using special devices really equals being a psychic because anyone can grab a book or research on the internet what the difference cards, etc mean.
Anyways, I decided to go with the first person. She started off looking at my palm and at first it seemed like she was hitting the nail on the wall. She said that I am the boss, but I am also stubborn and need to learn to be more flexible. I had to laugh at this because it is very true and I am the boss of everything from career wise to family and home wise. She said that I am healthy and that she feels a bit resistance with pulling back so that I have some baggage and need to learn to let it go.
She asked what I did for a living since a boss role would be best for me and I told her which seemed to run the rest of the reading. She said I was very intelligent. Which is true, but anyone could guess that from my profession, so I don't give her any points for that. She then asked about living situation and I said I live with my husband and dd. She was a bit surprised about this, and after coming home and looking on the internet I see I don't really have a marriage line (it is not on my palm, but side of hand) and there are no children lines. This makes me then question how accurate palm reading really is. She did say other things that hit the nail too though so who knows. She said I have been through a lot of suffering and hardness in my past which is very true, and that I don't hold anything back - what you see is what you get - which is also true.
She then used the tarot cards and most of the reading was pretty good but she did see that change was going to happen and then drew the death card. At first this worried me but then looking online afterwards I realize it only means change and a ending of a way of life and entering a new way of life. That is has more to do with symbolizism than actual physical death. However it still worried me with being pregnant. I assume that it probably means that my life is going to change because of the pregnancy and baby, but who knows. I kept quiet about the pregnancy and since I am so fat it is not noticable to strangers at all - they just think my belly is big because I am fat, not pregnant (I hate this stage because my belly is not normally this large, but strangers don't know that). I wanted to see if she would guess I was pregnant from the reading, but she never did. She related everything from the reading and cards to the business, so it makes me wonder about this woman's crediblity since the only things she really knew is what I told her. She did draw the high pristress card when the question was how others view me, which she was happy about - saying it is the highest card in the deck and that it means people see me as a geniune and good person and look up to me.
I never drew any reverse/negative cards, not sure if there were any in the deck or not since I didn't pay attention when I shuffled. So I am trying to not be concerned about the death card since it was upright and online it says that means positive change, just not sure why that card will come up and not a more appropriate pregnancy one like the Emperist.
Finally she said I was fearful in the past, but not anymore. This is true since my fears with this pregnancy has decreased recently, though they still totally haven't gone away.
After the reading we went to ikea, which later turned out to be a bad idea. I forgot it was Saturday so it was super packed and walking even a short distance is hard for me, let alone through the whole ikea store. I am interested in getting a pull out couch for guests and FIL if he doesn't leave soon (getting tired of having a mattress on our living room floor). MIL said ikea had ones that were in the 150-250 dollar range. Well this turned out to be totally accurate. Yes they had couches that became beds for that price, but they weren't pull out beds, they were futons. I don't really want a futon as our main living room seating place. I guess I am struck still waiting to find a used one one craig's list free section.
Then we needed to look for a dresser for the baby clothes. MIL offered to buy us the dresser. We found a nice pull out set of drawers that she will pick up once we find out the crib colors (her friend is selling her used crib and since dd destroyed her crib it will probably be best to get another one). It wasn't that cheap though $100, but if she wants to buy it I am not going to complain. If it was me though I would have just got a used one because really I find $100 to be crazy for just a set of 4 pull out drawers (it isn't like it is a full dresser with mirror, etc). I thought ikea was suppose to have good prices on stuff. It didn't seem that way.
Anyways, I decided to go with the first person. She started off looking at my palm and at first it seemed like she was hitting the nail on the wall. She said that I am the boss, but I am also stubborn and need to learn to be more flexible. I had to laugh at this because it is very true and I am the boss of everything from career wise to family and home wise. She said that I am healthy and that she feels a bit resistance with pulling back so that I have some baggage and need to learn to let it go.
She asked what I did for a living since a boss role would be best for me and I told her which seemed to run the rest of the reading. She said I was very intelligent. Which is true, but anyone could guess that from my profession, so I don't give her any points for that. She then asked about living situation and I said I live with my husband and dd. She was a bit surprised about this, and after coming home and looking on the internet I see I don't really have a marriage line (it is not on my palm, but side of hand) and there are no children lines. This makes me then question how accurate palm reading really is. She did say other things that hit the nail too though so who knows. She said I have been through a lot of suffering and hardness in my past which is very true, and that I don't hold anything back - what you see is what you get - which is also true.
She then used the tarot cards and most of the reading was pretty good but she did see that change was going to happen and then drew the death card. At first this worried me but then looking online afterwards I realize it only means change and a ending of a way of life and entering a new way of life. That is has more to do with symbolizism than actual physical death. However it still worried me with being pregnant. I assume that it probably means that my life is going to change because of the pregnancy and baby, but who knows. I kept quiet about the pregnancy and since I am so fat it is not noticable to strangers at all - they just think my belly is big because I am fat, not pregnant (I hate this stage because my belly is not normally this large, but strangers don't know that). I wanted to see if she would guess I was pregnant from the reading, but she never did. She related everything from the reading and cards to the business, so it makes me wonder about this woman's crediblity since the only things she really knew is what I told her. She did draw the high pristress card when the question was how others view me, which she was happy about - saying it is the highest card in the deck and that it means people see me as a geniune and good person and look up to me.
I never drew any reverse/negative cards, not sure if there were any in the deck or not since I didn't pay attention when I shuffled. So I am trying to not be concerned about the death card since it was upright and online it says that means positive change, just not sure why that card will come up and not a more appropriate pregnancy one like the Emperist.
Finally she said I was fearful in the past, but not anymore. This is true since my fears with this pregnancy has decreased recently, though they still totally haven't gone away.
After the reading we went to ikea, which later turned out to be a bad idea. I forgot it was Saturday so it was super packed and walking even a short distance is hard for me, let alone through the whole ikea store. I am interested in getting a pull out couch for guests and FIL if he doesn't leave soon (getting tired of having a mattress on our living room floor). MIL said ikea had ones that were in the 150-250 dollar range. Well this turned out to be totally accurate. Yes they had couches that became beds for that price, but they weren't pull out beds, they were futons. I don't really want a futon as our main living room seating place. I guess I am struck still waiting to find a used one one craig's list free section.
Then we needed to look for a dresser for the baby clothes. MIL offered to buy us the dresser. We found a nice pull out set of drawers that she will pick up once we find out the crib colors (her friend is selling her used crib and since dd destroyed her crib it will probably be best to get another one). It wasn't that cheap though $100, but if she wants to buy it I am not going to complain. If it was me though I would have just got a used one because really I find $100 to be crazy for just a set of 4 pull out drawers (it isn't like it is a full dresser with mirror, etc). I thought ikea was suppose to have good prices on stuff. It didn't seem that way.
Monday, October 15, 2012
18w5d
I had a pretty good ob appt today, except for the very long wait. It took 45 minutes to get into the back and another 45 minutes until I got to see the doctor. The more I go to this place the more I dispise it and wish my old ob was still working here. The place is way too busy, with too many patients (all of them are blacks - not being racists - just find it a weird observation - in fact in the room most things are only written in Spanish instead of English), and there seems to be a lack of communication between each other. When the doctor finally walked in he said I needed to have my blood drawn for the 2nd part of the integrated. I told him I already had it done 3 weeks ago. He then said he needed to wait for them to calculate a risk assessment and I said they already did and it was 1 in 110 and we had already saw a genetic counsellor and the risk was reduced after the anatomy scan.
Then when I was checking out at the door, a women was yelling the name "Sherry". Finally she comes to me and shows me a lab sheet with my name on it and said "Sherry". I said my name is Cheryl. She then says I forgot my lab sheet for the blood draw. I just looked at her and was like are you serious. I already did this weeks ago and told the doctor and he okayed it. This is just one example of how disorganized this place is. If I wasn't more knowledgable I would have been forced into doing 2 quad tests.
Now the good points of the appt. They gave me the flu shot when I immediately went back. Basically didn't ask if I wanted one or not, just are you allergic to eggs or latix? No, okay here is your flu shot. So at least I don't have to worry about flu complications, though I do wonder about getting vaccinated while pregnant. I know it is a stupid worry since 99% of pregnant women get the shot during flu season without problems, but I still worry especially since I never got it with last pregnancy because of the extreme shortage with H1N1 being that year as well.
The doctor immediately came in with the u/s machine, so didn't have to ask him to use the u/s instead of doppler. Of course because of the glare the only thing I really could see was the spine. He tries to point things out and I am just agree even though I can't see a darn thing with how the screen is positioned. BP is still good, which has had me worried since I had my first episode of seeing stars on Saturday night. Of course I don't know if this is a low or high bp side effect. They never told me my bp at the office today which I hate, same with the urine dip stick results - these are other things I dislike about this clinic. My weight is up to 234 which I am not happy about because that means I put on 6 lb in the last 4 weeks. Thank goodness though no one mentioned that as a concern.
I go back in 3 weeks which I am glad it is not 4, and he says that he will book an u/s then to check on growth so I am happy about these things. At least he is starting to take my concerns a bit more seriously now that I am getting half way through the 2nd trimester.
Then when I was checking out at the door, a women was yelling the name "Sherry". Finally she comes to me and shows me a lab sheet with my name on it and said "Sherry". I said my name is Cheryl. She then says I forgot my lab sheet for the blood draw. I just looked at her and was like are you serious. I already did this weeks ago and told the doctor and he okayed it. This is just one example of how disorganized this place is. If I wasn't more knowledgable I would have been forced into doing 2 quad tests.
Now the good points of the appt. They gave me the flu shot when I immediately went back. Basically didn't ask if I wanted one or not, just are you allergic to eggs or latix? No, okay here is your flu shot. So at least I don't have to worry about flu complications, though I do wonder about getting vaccinated while pregnant. I know it is a stupid worry since 99% of pregnant women get the shot during flu season without problems, but I still worry especially since I never got it with last pregnancy because of the extreme shortage with H1N1 being that year as well.
The doctor immediately came in with the u/s machine, so didn't have to ask him to use the u/s instead of doppler. Of course because of the glare the only thing I really could see was the spine. He tries to point things out and I am just agree even though I can't see a darn thing with how the screen is positioned. BP is still good, which has had me worried since I had my first episode of seeing stars on Saturday night. Of course I don't know if this is a low or high bp side effect. They never told me my bp at the office today which I hate, same with the urine dip stick results - these are other things I dislike about this clinic. My weight is up to 234 which I am not happy about because that means I put on 6 lb in the last 4 weeks. Thank goodness though no one mentioned that as a concern.
I go back in 3 weeks which I am glad it is not 4, and he says that he will book an u/s then to check on growth so I am happy about these things. At least he is starting to take my concerns a bit more seriously now that I am getting half way through the 2nd trimester.
Saturday, October 13, 2012
18w3d
I am starting to feel some distinct kicks finally, but they are few and far between. Most of the time I literally forget I am pregnant. I did outgrow another pair of pants though so I am taking that as a good sign that I am getting bigger and may be permanantly in maternity clothes in a few weeks.
Today we went garage sale shopping for the first time since 3 years ago when I was shopping with for the twins. The first house we went to was 30 miles away, but they had an ad on craig's list that they were selling girl clothes from newborn to 4T. So I thought great I can pick up stuff for dd and this baby. Well I ended up buying none of the clothes because they were greatly overpriced. They wanted $2-4 per item which I think is crazy at a garage sale. I did pick up a magnetic dress up doll for dd (for next Christmas since she is too young right now to play with it without losing the pieces) and a pack of 4oz bottle liners for a buck so it wasn't a total wasted trip. The second house we went to was only a few blocks from our place and we got a bunch of toys and books for very cheap (gotta love living in a low income area).
We were then on our way to a 3rd house when we passed by a big sale and decided to stop. We ended up getting a ton of stuff there. A high chair for at the inlaws (since they threw away the 3 I gave them when I was pregnant last time), a mattress for the toddler bed and a bunch of toys for dd. We spent $40 there and overall spend probably $55 for the morning. Not too bad and dd was very happy to have a bunch of new toys to play with - not like she needed anymore toys.
I realized another good thing about having a girl. Now we can go all out with getting girly things with no worry and having a house full of girl toys. We don't have to worry about buying any boys toys which should make things be cheaper in the long run since dd and the baby will be able to share stuff growing up.
It is also a good thing because I worried if it was a boy that then I would be struck comparing the child to ds. For the last 4.5 months of being pregnant I have done this a few times when thinking of the baby and then realizing it and having to stop myself. At least with another girl there won't be this constant wondering if this is what ds would have looked or acted like.
Of course, it is upsetting realizing I will never have a ds here on Earth to raise and this is something both me and dh will have to come to terms with. I feel okay about this right now, but not sure how I will feel later when it is for real finalized that there will be no more babies.
Today we went garage sale shopping for the first time since 3 years ago when I was shopping with for the twins. The first house we went to was 30 miles away, but they had an ad on craig's list that they were selling girl clothes from newborn to 4T. So I thought great I can pick up stuff for dd and this baby. Well I ended up buying none of the clothes because they were greatly overpriced. They wanted $2-4 per item which I think is crazy at a garage sale. I did pick up a magnetic dress up doll for dd (for next Christmas since she is too young right now to play with it without losing the pieces) and a pack of 4oz bottle liners for a buck so it wasn't a total wasted trip. The second house we went to was only a few blocks from our place and we got a bunch of toys and books for very cheap (gotta love living in a low income area).
We were then on our way to a 3rd house when we passed by a big sale and decided to stop. We ended up getting a ton of stuff there. A high chair for at the inlaws (since they threw away the 3 I gave them when I was pregnant last time), a mattress for the toddler bed and a bunch of toys for dd. We spent $40 there and overall spend probably $55 for the morning. Not too bad and dd was very happy to have a bunch of new toys to play with - not like she needed anymore toys.
I realized another good thing about having a girl. Now we can go all out with getting girly things with no worry and having a house full of girl toys. We don't have to worry about buying any boys toys which should make things be cheaper in the long run since dd and the baby will be able to share stuff growing up.
It is also a good thing because I worried if it was a boy that then I would be struck comparing the child to ds. For the last 4.5 months of being pregnant I have done this a few times when thinking of the baby and then realizing it and having to stop myself. At least with another girl there won't be this constant wondering if this is what ds would have looked or acted like.
Of course, it is upsetting realizing I will never have a ds here on Earth to raise and this is something both me and dh will have to come to terms with. I feel okay about this right now, but not sure how I will feel later when it is for real finalized that there will be no more babies.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
18 weeks
I now know why so many people refuse the genetic screening tests. So I have worried this whole past week because of an elevated AFP when my AFP wasn't high at all, in fact it was perfect at 0.99 MOM. The problem was the other blood values, especially papa-a that was only 0.38MOM that brought our downs risk to 1 in 110. So the doctor's office had everything wrong! First they told me at 15 weeks that the pappa-a was normal because I wasn't worried about it because of what happened last time, and then they tell me AFP is high which makes me think a neural tube defect, when none of this is true. Of course if they also would have told me the correct information on the phone that it was downs they were worried about I still would have freaked out because it is a higher risk than last pregnancy when I screened positive and looked what happened.
Anyways, I felt much better after finding this out this morning since at least with downs it isn't lethal like other trisomies or some neural tube defects.
The good news is everything looked perfect on the anatomy scan so our risk dropped to 1 in 220 which even though is still screen positive, I am pretty confident to say there is 0% chance this baby has any trisomy problem. Heck even with dd she showed hydronephrosis, this baby didn't even have that. Growth is also pretty good. It was measuring 2 days behind at 17w5d and estimated weight right now of 7oz. So the peri that we saw afterwards wasn't concerned at all, and no future u/s will be done unless my doctor who I will be seeing on Monday for my regular 4 week check up decides to do extra ones to check on growth, which I am hoping he will since I still do have the fear of iugr and pre-eclampsia happening again. At least the good news is if it does, it will be later than last time.
Also I was wrong about the sex. I was 85% sure the baby was a boy, but nope it is another girl - I even made her show me since I couldn't believe it and unfortunately the tv was broke in the room so we couldn't see hardly anything during the whole scan. I am glad that we got to know the sex though since I would hate to get this shock at birth after thinking for 9 months it was a boy, I can't imagine how tough that must be for people before u/s were routine.
Just so overjoyed that we can finally start to be happy and prepare for the baby over the next few months since before this point I couldn't be confident that things would be okay. I even finally came out on facebook which feels good because it was getting hard keeping quiet and not being able to get excited for the baby like other pregnant couples can.
Anyways, I felt much better after finding this out this morning since at least with downs it isn't lethal like other trisomies or some neural tube defects.
The good news is everything looked perfect on the anatomy scan so our risk dropped to 1 in 220 which even though is still screen positive, I am pretty confident to say there is 0% chance this baby has any trisomy problem. Heck even with dd she showed hydronephrosis, this baby didn't even have that. Growth is also pretty good. It was measuring 2 days behind at 17w5d and estimated weight right now of 7oz. So the peri that we saw afterwards wasn't concerned at all, and no future u/s will be done unless my doctor who I will be seeing on Monday for my regular 4 week check up decides to do extra ones to check on growth, which I am hoping he will since I still do have the fear of iugr and pre-eclampsia happening again. At least the good news is if it does, it will be later than last time.
Also I was wrong about the sex. I was 85% sure the baby was a boy, but nope it is another girl - I even made her show me since I couldn't believe it and unfortunately the tv was broke in the room so we couldn't see hardly anything during the whole scan. I am glad that we got to know the sex though since I would hate to get this shock at birth after thinking for 9 months it was a boy, I can't imagine how tough that must be for people before u/s were routine.
Just so overjoyed that we can finally start to be happy and prepare for the baby over the next few months since before this point I couldn't be confident that things would be okay. I even finally came out on facebook which feels good because it was getting hard keeping quiet and not being able to get excited for the baby like other pregnant couples can.
Monday, October 8, 2012
17w5d
So I have been trying to keep busy over the last few days because when I am home I spend too much time thinking and online researching things and getting even more scared about the scan on Wednesday.
I have come to 4 conclusions that can happen:
1. There is either a neural tube defect or abdominal wall defect. Most of these problems can be either diagnosised or ruled out with the scan, though there is still the possiblity of closed spinal bifidia.
2. The baby has a severe kidney disease that is fatal in the first year without a kidney transplant. The likelihood of this disease is extreme low though because it is an autosomal recessive trait meaning that both me and dh would have to be carriers and our child has 1/4 chance of having it. So not very likely that all those things are true. I guess it is most common in people of Finish decent which neither of us are, though I am 25% Swedish, but I don't think that means anything. I guess it is common in the Finnish because there isn't much defersity in the country. Unfortunately this condition can not be seen at all on u/s, only way is waiting until birth or through an amino and then special genetic testing looking for the mutated gene.
3. There is a placenta problem. This is the most likely out of the top 3, especially since I already had placenta issues big time last pregnancy, so was already high risk for iugr and pre-eclampsia.
If the scan is normal, hopefully this will force my doctor to take my concerns more seriously and watch things more closely - something they should already have been doing because of my last pregnancy.
4. The AFP was falsely elevated because of the bleeding and there is nothing wrong at all. This is the result I hope is true and the only thing I am trying to hold onto at the moment.
I do have some good news for a change. I have been taking my pressures every morning for the past 5 days and they have always been normal. Last pregnancy my 17 week appt was when I first started to get borderline bp issues. Also I have had no seeing stars issues either with this pregnancy so far. I can't remember when it started last pregnancy, but do know it was definately by 17 weeks that I had experienced this which was my very first clue something was up (after the bad NT bloodwork greatly increasing my downs risk). Hopefully this means if I am distended to get PE again it won't happen until later in pregnancy when I can at least safely deliver instead of living with severe PE for months until we got to a point where the baby could survive outside.
I have come to 4 conclusions that can happen:
1. There is either a neural tube defect or abdominal wall defect. Most of these problems can be either diagnosised or ruled out with the scan, though there is still the possiblity of closed spinal bifidia.
2. The baby has a severe kidney disease that is fatal in the first year without a kidney transplant. The likelihood of this disease is extreme low though because it is an autosomal recessive trait meaning that both me and dh would have to be carriers and our child has 1/4 chance of having it. So not very likely that all those things are true. I guess it is most common in people of Finish decent which neither of us are, though I am 25% Swedish, but I don't think that means anything. I guess it is common in the Finnish because there isn't much defersity in the country. Unfortunately this condition can not be seen at all on u/s, only way is waiting until birth or through an amino and then special genetic testing looking for the mutated gene.
3. There is a placenta problem. This is the most likely out of the top 3, especially since I already had placenta issues big time last pregnancy, so was already high risk for iugr and pre-eclampsia.
If the scan is normal, hopefully this will force my doctor to take my concerns more seriously and watch things more closely - something they should already have been doing because of my last pregnancy.
4. The AFP was falsely elevated because of the bleeding and there is nothing wrong at all. This is the result I hope is true and the only thing I am trying to hold onto at the moment.
I do have some good news for a change. I have been taking my pressures every morning for the past 5 days and they have always been normal. Last pregnancy my 17 week appt was when I first started to get borderline bp issues. Also I have had no seeing stars issues either with this pregnancy so far. I can't remember when it started last pregnancy, but do know it was definately by 17 weeks that I had experienced this which was my very first clue something was up (after the bad NT bloodwork greatly increasing my downs risk). Hopefully this means if I am distended to get PE again it won't happen until later in pregnancy when I can at least safely deliver instead of living with severe PE for months until we got to a point where the baby could survive outside.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
17 weeks
So I didn't get much sleep last night. I find it very cruel that they would call me yesterday saying we need to see a genetic counsellor, but then not tell me any numbers and that we would have to wait over a week to find out.
I was really upset last night when I went to bed that I would get pre-eclampsia and iugr again. I really don't want a repeat of last pregnancy. I can't take another stillbirth. I was really hoping this time would be different with not having twins and thinking that maybe it was just a fluke problem with ds's placenta since dd didn't have iugr. Anyways, if it is going to happen, I hope it isn't until 7-8 months like it normally comes instead of 4-5 months which happened last time.
I am still worried about neural tube defects though, but trying to tell myself it is unlikely since I have been on prenatals daily since 6 months before pregnancy and also many foods are also fortified too.
However, you can't ignore a concern that something may be wrong with the baby that can result in its death or a difficult life.
I had a nightmare last night that it was next Wednesday and we met with the doctor and he started saying what values were abnormal, but I couldn't really pay attention. He then asked if we wanted to see the baby and we said yes so we went to the u/s room, but then for some reason didn't do the u/s and went back into another room. I remember thinking it was strange that he wanted to do the u/s first when I was told it would be after meeting with the genetists and was worried that it meant he wanted to see the baby before getting the bad news. I then asked him straight out if he thought our baby had anencephalist and he said yes. I started bawling at this point because my nightmare had come true. Then the genetic counsellor came in with our folder with a black or dark green piece of paper on top and asked if the doctor if we were the couple with the tragic case. I guess the piece of colored paper was to signify that the baby was going to die so they would be more sympathetic. At this point is when I lost it. How dare they say our baby had anecephalogy and was going to die when they didn't even do an u/s. I immediately left. On my way home the doctor texted me saying all my blood values were either too high or too low by at least 200% and this brought him to that conclusion and then at the end of the text he talked about making a movie on my case and there was an attachment of movie poster about a woman who had a SCH and the baby ended up having anencephalogy. Well this extremely infuritated me and I immediately rushed back to the office and confronted the doctor (who was sitting by the door in the waiting room). I told him how dare he diagnosis anencephalogy without doing an u/s which is the only way you can see structral problems and how dare he make a movie about me (I said this very loud so everyone in the waiting room could hear me). I then told him to take me back and do an u/s so we can know for sure. Then I thought for a moment and realized I didn't want him doing the u/s, so I asked the receptionist/nurses if they can find me a different tech and they said yes. Then I thought even more and said I want a different doctor. Which they responded no problem and then gave my doctor firing papers on the spot. This was the best part of the whole dream getting the satisification that I got that doctor fired after the way he treated me. After this I woke up, so never really got to find out what the u/s showed.
I was really upset last night when I went to bed that I would get pre-eclampsia and iugr again. I really don't want a repeat of last pregnancy. I can't take another stillbirth. I was really hoping this time would be different with not having twins and thinking that maybe it was just a fluke problem with ds's placenta since dd didn't have iugr. Anyways, if it is going to happen, I hope it isn't until 7-8 months like it normally comes instead of 4-5 months which happened last time.
I am still worried about neural tube defects though, but trying to tell myself it is unlikely since I have been on prenatals daily since 6 months before pregnancy and also many foods are also fortified too.
However, you can't ignore a concern that something may be wrong with the baby that can result in its death or a difficult life.
I had a nightmare last night that it was next Wednesday and we met with the doctor and he started saying what values were abnormal, but I couldn't really pay attention. He then asked if we wanted to see the baby and we said yes so we went to the u/s room, but then for some reason didn't do the u/s and went back into another room. I remember thinking it was strange that he wanted to do the u/s first when I was told it would be after meeting with the genetists and was worried that it meant he wanted to see the baby before getting the bad news. I then asked him straight out if he thought our baby had anencephalist and he said yes. I started bawling at this point because my nightmare had come true. Then the genetic counsellor came in with our folder with a black or dark green piece of paper on top and asked if the doctor if we were the couple with the tragic case. I guess the piece of colored paper was to signify that the baby was going to die so they would be more sympathetic. At this point is when I lost it. How dare they say our baby had anecephalogy and was going to die when they didn't even do an u/s. I immediately left. On my way home the doctor texted me saying all my blood values were either too high or too low by at least 200% and this brought him to that conclusion and then at the end of the text he talked about making a movie on my case and there was an attachment of movie poster about a woman who had a SCH and the baby ended up having anencephalogy. Well this extremely infuritated me and I immediately rushed back to the office and confronted the doctor (who was sitting by the door in the waiting room). I told him how dare he diagnosis anencephalogy without doing an u/s which is the only way you can see structral problems and how dare he make a movie about me (I said this very loud so everyone in the waiting room could hear me). I then told him to take me back and do an u/s so we can know for sure. Then I thought for a moment and realized I didn't want him doing the u/s, so I asked the receptionist/nurses if they can find me a different tech and they said yes. Then I thought even more and said I want a different doctor. Which they responded no problem and then gave my doctor firing papers on the spot. This was the best part of the whole dream getting the satisification that I got that doctor fired after the way he treated me. After this I woke up, so never really got to find out what the u/s showed.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
16w6d
I got good and bad news today.
First the good news. We finally got our letter from cps saying that "the department has determined that further provisions of services is not necessary at this time". It said other stuff, but this was basically the main point. I am happy the case is now officially closed, but still feels a bit anticlimatic with theway they word the letter. The could have at least said that the accusations were unfounded and we are sorry we bothered you, but nope. Oh well, at least I don't have to worry about cps for the time being until something else happens - dd falls and someone is phone crazy again, or when dd is older and can talk and says stuff that can be interrupted wrong or as a teen and is mad and to get back decides to make up lies of abuse. Ya, this whole experience has shown me how scary things are until my children reach 18 when they no longer can be under cps's power.
Now the bad news. The doctor office called this morning saying they need to talk to me about some appointments. I finally got ahold of the woman at 1pm and she tells me that the AFP from the bloodwork I had done last week came back elevated so now we have to see a genetic counsellor before the anatomy scan next week. So now I am extremely upset and worried because I don't want history to repeat itself. I looked up on google what elevated AFP means and it is related to spinal bifidia, anencephaly, and abdomenal wall problems. So now I am even more worried. I did find many women who had SCH getting false positives on the test so I am really hoping that is the reason why the number is high. Of course she wouldn't tell me how high it is, or what any of the other numbers and values are saying we have to wait until next Wednesday when we see the genetic counsellor because only they have the number results. I also found some mention about elevated AFP being related to iugr and future pre-eclampsia so now I have that added worry. Though it is better than something being wrong with the baby, I do not want another pregnancy of placenta problems and I am already high risk for iugr and pre-eclampsia.
I told the woman on the phone about how ds had severe iugr and died at 21 weeks because of placenta failure. She then said I am going there because I am high risk and asked why I am high risk from last pregnancy. I thought huh? I then said how I developed pre-eclampsia afterwards and she then understood why I was high risk. But why do people like to brush off the placenta failing at the end of the first trimester and only consider the PE as making me high risk. Don't you think being diagnosised with severe iugr at 18 weeks is high risk and is the reason behind me developing PE a month and a half later?
Anyways, now I have even more worries for the upcoming anatomy scan. Not only do I have to worry about the baby's growth, but now also that there may be a spine, brain, or abdominal problem
:( Why can't I ever have anything go easy.
First the good news. We finally got our letter from cps saying that "the department has determined that further provisions of services is not necessary at this time". It said other stuff, but this was basically the main point. I am happy the case is now officially closed, but still feels a bit anticlimatic with theway they word the letter. The could have at least said that the accusations were unfounded and we are sorry we bothered you, but nope. Oh well, at least I don't have to worry about cps for the time being until something else happens - dd falls and someone is phone crazy again, or when dd is older and can talk and says stuff that can be interrupted wrong or as a teen and is mad and to get back decides to make up lies of abuse. Ya, this whole experience has shown me how scary things are until my children reach 18 when they no longer can be under cps's power.
Now the bad news. The doctor office called this morning saying they need to talk to me about some appointments. I finally got ahold of the woman at 1pm and she tells me that the AFP from the bloodwork I had done last week came back elevated so now we have to see a genetic counsellor before the anatomy scan next week. So now I am extremely upset and worried because I don't want history to repeat itself. I looked up on google what elevated AFP means and it is related to spinal bifidia, anencephaly, and abdomenal wall problems. So now I am even more worried. I did find many women who had SCH getting false positives on the test so I am really hoping that is the reason why the number is high. Of course she wouldn't tell me how high it is, or what any of the other numbers and values are saying we have to wait until next Wednesday when we see the genetic counsellor because only they have the number results. I also found some mention about elevated AFP being related to iugr and future pre-eclampsia so now I have that added worry. Though it is better than something being wrong with the baby, I do not want another pregnancy of placenta problems and I am already high risk for iugr and pre-eclampsia.
I told the woman on the phone about how ds had severe iugr and died at 21 weeks because of placenta failure. She then said I am going there because I am high risk and asked why I am high risk from last pregnancy. I thought huh? I then said how I developed pre-eclampsia afterwards and she then understood why I was high risk. But why do people like to brush off the placenta failing at the end of the first trimester and only consider the PE as making me high risk. Don't you think being diagnosised with severe iugr at 18 weeks is high risk and is the reason behind me developing PE a month and a half later?
Anyways, now I have even more worries for the upcoming anatomy scan. Not only do I have to worry about the baby's growth, but now also that there may be a spine, brain, or abdominal problem
:( Why can't I ever have anything go easy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)