bfn/bfp

This morning is 7dp3dt so I usually start testing because it is early enough to get a real bfp, but also still enough enough that a bfn can still become a bfp.  Also if I get a bfn at least I know the trigger is out of my system.

I must report I have zero symptoms.  Even zero progesterone side effects.  I am not tired, my breasts are not big and do not hurt, I have no uterine twinges, I am not nausous, etc.
However, saying all that I could never get out of my mind that this cycle worked.  Maybe it is because the psychic said June was going to be it.  I know I shouldn't trust an internet psychic, but she has been right on about my last two bfps, about the number of babies it would be, and the sexes.  Pretty hard to be correct that many times.  For this reason I knew ivf #1 and #2 were going to work before I even started and #4 was going to be a failure.  I still tried not to believe it for #4, but the continued bfn just further proved to me that she had to be right.  For this reason I had a very good feeling about this cycle despite the lack of symptoms and really wanted to test.

I started with the $tree test since they are cheap.  Nothing.  Well, that isn't really accurate, it showed the same gray evaporate line that my previous tests did all last cycle which just ended up driving me crazy.  At least this time I knew the line was a bfn, but was it.

After 20 minutes I gave up with questioning and decided to bring out the frer.  I still had 2 left over from last time and thank goodness I did.  At first I started seeing a line and thought oh no I forgot how they have changed frer and they also show the antibody strip when looked closely.  Well nope, this line was pink and clearly visible.  It is a bfp. 

So there you have it $tree gave me a bfn, and frer gave me an obvious bfp.  I classify the bfp as very good for 10 dpo.  It is faint, but very noticable.  Probably similar to the line I got with the twins at 10dpo and definately darker than the faint almost visible line I got at 12dpo with my singleton pregnancy.  I told dh this so now he is worried that both embryos implanted.  I told him it doesn't mean that, you can still have high hcg with a singleton.

So I don't know what to think.  When I did these tests from 3:30-3:50 this morning it had been 11 days and 6 hours post trigger so I can't for sure say the bfp is real and not the trigger still being picked up.  All that I can conclude is that I have hcg in my system and that the $tree tests now suck because I never had this problem with my previous 2 pregnancies 3 years ago.  I always used a frer after getting a bfp on a $tree test so I knew the frer would be positive even if they were very faint.  This bfp on the frer is visible enough I should have seen something more than an evaporate on the $tree test.

As an update when I checked on the tests 3 hours later, the $tree test evap line may have a hint of pink to it.  It is really too hard to say since it is so faint so appears grayess.  Anyways, a test 3 hours later is not accurate at all and at even at the 30 min mark it was totally gray unless I tilted it a certain way and then it could appear pink.

On other news, the state called me yesterday.  At first I didn't know why the state would call me, but then found out it was about ds's birth certificate.  Anyways, turns out there is a problem that the hospital labelled him as a female.  I told the lady that I have the autopsy report that shows he was clearly a male and that they must not have updated their records since it was hard to tell at birth.  For the record they told me when I gave birth that he looked like a female so for the first 10 months after that I thought he was a she.  It wasn't until I finally got the autopsy report that I got the shock that he was always a boy.  So here I am almost 28 months later now and the vital records lady is saying his birth was labelled as a girl.  So now she has to go back and contact the hospital to see what is up.  I don't think an autopsy report can lie.  It just annoys me that something so easily as a baby's sex can be this difficult to access.  Ds was 21 weeks when he died, though he had severe iugr so was the size of a 15 week fetus, but still even then they should be able to tell what is inbetween his legs with having him in their hand.

libido

I'm 6dp3dt and my libido has took an upswing.  Not too happy about this since I have to abstain from sex from the tww and I got this same sign around this time during my last cycle and worried that organisming during dreaming caused the cycle to fail.

I figure this is what I get for being bumped up on hormones and not being able to have sex for the last 2 months due to cycling and scheduling reasons.

My uterus hurts this morning.  It sucks that even though I try and reframe from sex during the day, at night I have no control over it.

I need to drink the water

at the Schwartz Center.  My dd's therapist just left after telling me her news that she is due in November (today is the first time she is actually showing so it isn't like she could hide it much longer).  So that now makes 3 of her therapists from there who are pregnant.  Her first SLP who lucky we got changed after she was having pregnancy complications in March, her OT who is due in 2 weeks so will be now gone on maternity leave, and now her development therapist and case worker who we have been with since her starting EI and coming home from the nicu over 2 years ago.  Which makes this suck even more is the fact that I would have also been due in November if ivf #3 worked :(  So now I have to watch her belly grow when she comes every other week.  And she will then be out until mid February which will really make dd's transition to preschool even more difficult since she will be off on maternity leave during the 2nd half of the transition process and the last thing I want during that time is a therapist that doesn't know her when this woman has been working with her since she was 6 weeks old.  Not to mention she has her EI reassessment in November as well.

Now just waiting for her other two therapists from there to make announcements too.  I know her new SLP is married and has a dd so won't be surprised if she ends up pregnant too within the 9 months, her PT I'm not to sure about though.

I really wish I knew what their secret is.  What is the chance that my dd ends up with all the pregnant therapists when we are going through multiple IF treatments.

5dp3dt and feeling nothing

Half way through the tww (my beta is in exactly one week).  Kind of scary to think that in 7 days I will have the answer if I like it or not. 

All the symptoms I felt early in the week - the twinges and dizziness are gone.
I am even sleeping longer at night until I have to pee - 6 hours compared to 3-4 hours.
I am trying not to read too much into this and attribute it to likely the trigger being now gone and too early for implantation to be complete.

I will start testing on Saturday.  I brought 5 $tree tests a few days ago so hoping to report some good news this weekend.  Oh and I also brought a 4 pack of newborn boy gerber onesies when I was at Walmart last time.  They were in the clearance rack for half price so couldn't pass it up.  Figure if I don't use them, that I can always give them to someone as a baby gift.

dizzy spells

Add dizzy spells to the symptom list.  This whole morning I have felt whoosing on and off.
Most likely it is just related to the PIO, but I can't help read into it since this was one sign I really remember during the ttw for my twin pregnancy.  I remember me and dh were somewhere playing a game of minigolf and I didn't feel good for the whole game and needed to constantly sit down.  This was before I knew I was pregnant, but far enough along for implantation to happen, so I am guessing around 8dpo since I first tested and got a bfp at 10 dpo that cycle.

Only other symptom I am feeling is the mild twinges.  So far no nausea, tiredness, or sore breast. 

3 weeks

Today is 4dp3dt or trying to be optimistic, today would mark 3 weeks pregnant.
Not too many signs, on and off cramping yesterday and then over night I got severe ovary pain if I moved to fast.  It is weird because I felt this pain for my last cycles while stimming, as well as when I was pregnant before (called it round ligament pain), but not this cycle except for the night before ER.  I haven't even felt my ovaries since ER this time, while the last two cycles (even #3 when I didn't have ET or on any meds) my ovaries hurt for 10-14 days after ER.  So I don't know what to think.  Hope this is a good sign that maybe hcg is rising again and so the CL's are busy starting to produce more progesterone.

I watched a special last night about teenage mothers.  Not sure why because after years of IF I can't stand teenage moms.  I purposely refuse to watch teen mom and 16 and pregnant tv shows.  Never seen one episode and never will.  Anyways, I still decided to watch this special last night.  Maybe because I am praying this cycle works and these types of stories draw you in.  Anyways, they showed this one girl who is 16 with 2 kids now.  She first got pregnant at 14 and thought about going on bcp after the baby but then never got around to it.  Huh?  At least she is still with the babies father and they right now live together.  He is 18 and had to drop out of school after the first baby to work to support the family.  Here, is the kicker though.  This girl has a younger sister who is 2 years younger, and guess what also got pregnant.  They showed the mother of this 16 and 14 yo and how disappointed she is, especially in the younger one because she thought she knew better.  This mother had these girls at 19 and 21 so doing the math that makes her 35.  So here she is at 35, the mother of a 14 and 16 yo and already a grandmother of 3. 

I thought to myself, how the heck can you have two 14 yos can pregnant.  Who is watching these kids.  Well, they answered that because the mother had her girls young she was single and so had to work min wage jobs to support them.  That meant no one was watching these young teens who were free to do as they please and have sex at 14 and get pregnant.  The sad part about this is it just shows how the cycle keeps repeating itself.

The other sad part is 85% of these girls the guy does not stay with the girl.  They had another girl on who's bf also got another girl pregnant at the same time so within a few weeks of each other he went from a father of 0 to a father of 2.  He is also a teenager.  The sad part about this is as a teenage dad it isn't like they have any money to support a baby so even if they run off no one can touch them.  Can't take child support from a guy that has no income.  So what does this mean, not only will these babies end up with no father's around, which increases the chance of the cycle continuing, but they also will grow up in poverty with no way to get out of it.

And here is the real kicker, who do you think is paying for these teenage mom's babies, but the general tax paying public.  Since these fathers will never be able to support their kids because some of them end up having 5-6 different kids by the time they reach 20 these children and their teen moms have to rely on state assistance for the rest of their lives. 

All this because teenagers feel like having sex without protection and being a grown up.  It really annoys me that us infertile adults can not even get pregnant even when embryos are put in us, but these kids can have sex once or twice and opps they are now pregnant and them and their kid will have to rely on us bailing them out the rest of their lives. 

And what really gets me is this problem can easily be stopped.  We all know that it isn't that easy to get pregnant.  I wish it was as easy to get pregnant as it was to not get pregnant.  If you don't want to get pregnant, don't have sex.  I know some people think I shouldn't say this, saying kids will do it anyways.  I think that is BS!  I think us adults really have low standards of kids if we believe that.
I didn't have sex as a high school or college student.  You know why, because I didn't want to take the risk of even a possiblity of a pregnancy.  There is no reason why a teenager should have sex.  Stats have shown teen relationships don't last.  They have a higher chance of pregnancy and lower chance of using birth control (even though they know the option exists - either because they are scared to ask or they think it won't happen to them - the invinsible teenage phenomenon).
They also don't have the emotional maturity to handle an intimiate relationship, though they think they do until something unexpected happens.  All teenagers think they are just as smart as adults, but research has shown that the frontal lobe doesn't mature until age 25.  That is the part of the brain that is needed for reasoning, etc.  The fact is teenagers have just not been on the Earth long enough to have enough experience to draw from for maturation and it is only when you are over 25 that you can look back at this and realize how little you did know about life at 15.  Unfortunately for teenage moms they get this knowledge too late.  By the time their brain matures their child is now 10 years old and on the brink of repeating the whole cycle again.

And us IF have to constantly question God why he gave babies to these CHILDREN who can't support them ever instead of blessing them and their spouse.

One last story on the show showed another 16 yo mom from a upper middle class home who realized she couldn't take care of a baby and pursue her life of school so she gave the baby up for adoption.  It  was an open adoption so she was able to visit the child every week at the adopted parents home.  This is a prime example of turning a bad situation into a good one.  This 16 yo girl was mature enough to know she couldn't take care of a baby (even though she lived in a nice neighborhood and had parents that could support another child) and fulfil her dreams of college, etc so she made the ultimate decision of love and thought about her child and the IF adoptive child and gave her child up.
I think if more teenage moms did this the world would be a better place.  I know you can never tell any mother to give her child up, but I think too many teenagers chose to keep their baby, which I understand, but as shown above this option only leads to a live of porvety for all involved.
Right now there are 200 thousand children (usually older and with serious mental and physical problems) needing homes.  By comparison, there are 2 million IF couples in the US.  So for all those who say there are so many children needing homes is a huge misnomer.  There is only 1 in 10 children for every IF couple, that leaves another 90% of couples out there who want to adopt unable to do so.

Cheaters and things coming in three's

You know how they say things come in three and it always seem to occur that way.
I had no house calls for most of June and then 3 in these two days.  Then on ff there were a couple of women that found out their dh's were cheating on them.  I ended up making a blunt statement last night to the one woman since she didn't know what to do and found he had went from sending a nude picture to sexting for weeks to now sleeping together the past few weeks.  Everyone gave very bland statements of "I'm sorry, thinking of you", meanwhile I said duh, of course he is sleeping with her and who knows what else, but I am sure it isn't just for 2 weeks (that he is just saying to try and cover his ass).  I personally hold the belief that "once a cheater, always a cheater". Ya there may be the occasional person that gets round up in the heat of a moment and doesn't something they regret, but this isn't what we are talking about here.  If someone has repeatly slept and sent dirty texts and pictures to someone for weeks and weeks (and likely even longer, though they won't admit to it because they will only admit to a little bit at a time) then they not only cheated once, but continuously made the choice to keep this relationship going and cheat on their spouse and family.  These people don't change since they have shown repeatily that they don't care.  Anyways, now I'm blanded as the bad person for saying things how I see them. 

So why do I say this here?  I just received a call from a friend of mine mainly about her dog.  Anyways, we got talking since we hadn't talked much for the last few months since I put her other dog down at the end of March.  Anyways, she says the dreaded words that we IF's hate "I have some news".  So automatically my mind goes into thinking she is going to tell me she is pregnant.  Her youngest is 3.5 years and I know she had some IF issues trying to conceive him - did clomid and iui, but ended up getting pregnant naturally.  She is in her early 40's and with a IF history I knew pregnancy was unlikely, but not impossible.  She then tells me that her dh of 13 years is gone.  He cheated on her with his highschool sweetheart.  I was shocked.  I have met her dh many times and he never seemed the type to do something like this.  Appartently he has been chatting with her for the last 5 years.  So now I have become a concellour for spouses that get cheated on.  My friend is still in the stage where she will take him back if he comes back to her and I understand that feeling.  No one wants there marriage to end, but this guy is not going to change.  The fact that he choses to leave his wife of that many years of marriage and his two sons to be with an old flame shows how much of a low life he is and how he has never and will never get over her.  I really hope he is happy because he has hurt many people over this.  She then tells me that this isn't his first cheating episode, that he cheated on this ex girlfriend before with another girl when he was younger.  This just shows you how cheaters don't change.  If someone can do something like that it is very hard for them to be in a totally committed relationship and I know this. 

Many times people like to blame the noncheating spouse saying they didn't do this or that enough and that is why the person ended up cheating.  This is BS!  If this was the case dh would have cheated on me a long time ago.  When I was pregnant we didn't have sex for a year, dh never cheated (unless you count looking at porn).  Currently we haven't had sex since mid April due to cycling and differing work schedules.  In fact we couldn't even be together before ER this cycle so on trigger day I told him to jack off and then even called him on the way to take dd to her therapies to make sure he had done it (yes not very romatic, but needs to be done).  I don't make dinner for dh, our house is a mess 24/7, and I don't wear sexy clothing for him.  Has my dh ever cheated - NO.  Even though he has every excuse in the book to do so, he doesn't just like I would never think about doing something like that to him.  When you cheat you don't only hurt your spouse, but also everyone else around you.  My friend has a 10yo son.  That poor boy is old enough to understand what is going on and now he has to live with the fact his father did this to them.

5 days past ER

So according to all the information out there my embryos should be at the blast stage today and in the process of hatching out.  I really hope at least one of them is still going strong.  I hate not knowing.  Wish I could use an u/s to see inside my uterus - of course this won't work since the embryo is still microscopic.  Maybe I need a microscopic u/s lol.

I did feel some twinges this afternoon.  Hoping it is a good sign, but it may just be that I am over exerting myself and that won't stop unfortunately since I need to clean everything up for MIL coming over tomorrow to watch dd.

I must say though that my business is really booming this week.  Today again I got 3 calls and now have 2 appts set for tomorrow and 1 for Wednesday.  Of course I have come down with a cold - thanks to dd who likely caught it when she stayed at the inlaws last Tuesday/Wednesday.  For some reason she always gets sick there.  I just knew it was a bad sign when the runny nose and sneezing started at 6pm on Thursday during her speech therapy.  Of course yesterday it got passed to me and today it is a full fledge cold.  Not sure if this is good or bad.  Hopefully it eats  up my immune system enough so my body won't prevent an embryo from implanting.

Also finally got down to ordering ds's birth certificate today.  I can't understand how they can charge more for a stillbirth birth certificate compared to a live birth.  Was watching Sprout as usual today with dd and there was another twin birthday and it really hit me what I am missing not having both of my twins here with me.

What is with having ER and ET and having my phone ring off the hook

I only got business calls two days this past week.  Can we guess which days?  That's right Wednesday and Saturday.  Luckily Wednesday calls were just to schedule an appt in a week and the other was for a dog that needed surgery.

Yesterday my phone rings again twice.  First call was for a drug refill.  Okay no problem.  Second call was for an emergency PTS.  Appartently the owner's vet will come to the house, but he was on vacation for the weekend and the dog was in too much pain to wait until Monday.  I had to call her back and apoligise that I couldn't work that day because I was put under sedation.  I told her that the best I can do is Sunday morning.  I normally don't work Sundays since I need one day rest from being on call, but figured since dh is off and Icouldn't work because of the ET I would make this one exception.  The owner was very understanding, she really didn't want to wait, but had difficulty getting the dog in the car to take to the ER. So we left it as a possible PTS for Sunday. 

So here I sit today on Sunday at 9:47am with no phone call.  I am secretly hoping that she won't call since I caught dd's cold and so am not feeling well, plus have a ton of housework to get done here today.  Of course I still can't relax and enjoy my one day off in case we do have to go.

I just find it funny how this cycle I get all the calls the two days I have to go under anesthesia and can't work.  I do have a busy work week ahead so even if we don't do this call today will not be that much of a problem fiancially.

Transfer done

So we were suppose to leave at 8:30 this morning for a 9:30 arrive time.  At 7:45 the clinic rings up and tells me we were moved up to a 8:50 arrive time.  I start freaking out because the clinic is 1hr and 15 min away.  I go up to tell dh and he is still in his pj's and he freaks out even more saying "this isn't good, blah blah blah".  Luckily I was still on the phone at this time so the nurse tried reassuring us that it has nothing to do with our embryos, just some people ahead of us got bumped to a day 5 so they moved us up.

However, this is what IF does to you.  After you deal with so much bad news happening you mind automatically goes there.  There is no happy carefree cycle.  We go into ivf with the fear we will be cancelled each day and if we do make it to ET that the embryos won't stick and even if they do, that the pregnancy will not last.  It is hard to think differently when we have experienced all 3 of these scenios.

I was watching Sister Wives yesterday on demand (since I miss it Sunday nights when it is on).  This is my one dirty secret show.  Anyways, the first wife suffers from IF.  It took her many years to conceive the first time, and then has had secondary infertility for the past 16 years (with one m/c thrown in there as well).  The other 2 wives that joined a few years later each gave birth to 6 kids and then their husband married 2 years ago and the new wife got pregnant 8 months later.  When she gave birth she offered to be a surrogate for the first wife if she wants to try for another baby.  So anyways last week's episode shows the first wife and the man going to Mexico for her birthday and anniversary, but he had planned all along to ask her to make a decision about pursuing fertility treatment.  It ended with her saying she didn't know what she wanted to do.  None of the other wives can understand this, but being a fellow IF I can easily see Meri's point of view.   She just turned 41 (which isn't good in itself in the fertility world), has a daughter that is almost done highschool, and though she would like another baby I don't think she wants to start the whole baby process all over again at her age.  But more importantly, I think it is because she is scared.  She is scared of ivf not working, or if it does work that she will lose another pregnancy.  And unfortunately given her age these things are very likely to happen.  Having the new wife be a surrogate will not change anything since that likely isn't the IF issue.  You are still dealing with 40 yo eggs and ovaries.  However the younger fertile wife doesn't understand this and thinks if she offers her womb that it will make everything better.  Really unless you walked the IF shoes it is hard to understand.

Anyways, getting back to my transfer today, everything went well.  Since dh came I was able to take the valium which helped big time.  Basically it made me feel whoosie which helps take your mind off of the whole process.  Our embryos were: 8 cell A quality (A is the best, D is the worst), 6B, and 6C.
We transferred the 8A and 6B.  I was very pleased especially since it wasn't 72 hrs yet from fertilization.  To compare, last cycle I transferred 2 6B's and it was a bfn, but my twin pregnancy was from a 7A and 6B and they both struck so so far this has been my best embryo report.  I think if any sticks it will be the 8A because that is basically a perfect day 3 embryo.  Unfortunately the picture they gave us sucked.  They didn't zoom in so the embryos looked so tiny and it was also blury.  Not really a prize first photograph.

Now I just have to sit and wait and hope these two continue to grow, hatch and then implant.  I go for my beta on July 5.  Not quiet sure what I am going to do on the 4th yet.  I should know by then by hpt what the result is so it is pretty nerve racking.

Transferred scheduled

ET is scheduled for 10:30 am tomorrow with a 9:30 arrive time.  I am happy that it is early because FIL will be watching dd and he really wasn't happy about it since he wanted to go out that day.  Since ET is early enough we should be home shortly after 12 and he still has the whole afternoon to go to Plymouth and visit with people.

Other good news is my RE will be doing the transfer.  This has to be a good sign.  I mean she did my best ER ever (even though the results were short lived).

ups and downs

Starting to not be able to take this ivf rollercoaster.  DH can't stand it anymore and has told me he is doing this no more.  I can understand why he feels this way.  I mean it is hard enough having to deal with the nervousness of pregnancy loss once I finally get a bfp, but to not even be at that point and the constant worry that the cycle will not work again is too much.

Yesterday afternoon my nurse called and scheduled the ET at 2:40 with a 1:40 arrive time.  We had to try and arrange babysitting for dd.  Then at 8:45 this morning the center called and said ET will be today and to arrive at 1.  So we have to call and change babysitting plans.  DH is freaking out because this is bad news and has already given up on this cycle.  Then 10 minutes later when I was driving dd to the dentist the center calls again which freaked me out.  She says "I know I just called you, but embrology just came by and spoke with me".  This really freaked me out.  Then she says that they are moving to a day 3 so transfer will be tomorrow instead of today then.  I let out a big sign of relief that at least this means all 3 embryos are still alive, of course I don't know the quality of them, just that they can't tell yet which one is the poorest.  Of course I am still worried now that they won't make it to tomorrow.  I really hate this nerve racking.  There is always something to worry about.  If transfer is done today I worry that my embryos are poor, if transfer is tomorrow I worry that they won't make it through another day.

Of course saying all this I really have high hopes for this cycle.  I really hope these high hopes won't let me down.  I reread the email from Cheri's predication yesterday.  I always thought it meant I needed to get a bfp in June and was worrying that my beta isn't until the beginning of July, but then I realized it said conceive, give birth, or find out in June which will be true.  I may not find out in June, but if this cycle works I would have conceived in June.  Cheri was right about my two successful ivf cycles so that is why I have a lot of faith in her predication even though it is meant for only fun.  Also my aunt says I will give birth in February and my edd for this cycle would be March 13, which will put me with a February birth if I give birth 38 weeks or before.  Also found out Cheri shares the same birthday with my aunt (also my father and FIL) which is really weird.

Another possible sign is when we were driving home on Wednesday after picking dd up from my inlaws is that I saw a Jordan's furniture van.  Now I know this seems like a weird sign, but when we were driving home from the horrible u/s after ivf #1 that showed our baby died I decided to name that baby Jordan.  Didn't really care for the name, but it is the first unisex name that popped into my head so I decided that was the baby's name.  When we were driving for ER with ivf #2 I saw a Jordan's furniture truck and took it as a good sign.  I never saw one of their vehicles before and never again until we were driving home on Wednesday.  Which is even weirder is at least with ivf #2 we were near a Jordan's furniture but on Wednesday we weren't and on a totally different highway so it didn't make sense that I would see one of their cars. 

Because of these reasons I just know this cycle has to work even despite these set backs.  However, it still doesn't take the worry away or make my heart not skip a beat when the clinic calls.
I just pray my embryos continue to grow and they will look perfect for transfer tomorrow.   I think once I know they are inside me I can at least breathe a little sign of relief.

Difference 1 day makes

Well the high of getting 13 eggs yesterday didn't last long.  The doctor's just called and you know it is always bad when they ask if you have a moment to go over the cycle.  This is what they said to me after ER #3 when we found out all our embryos died.

Anyways, out of my 13 eggs, only 7 were mature.  This I wasn't too surprised at.  Based on my blood work and previous u/s 7 mature is still a good number.  And out of those 7, only 3 fertilized with icsi.  So I went from 13 eggs 24 hours ago to only 3 embryos now.  So it will definately either be a day 2 or day 3 transfer.  I am hoping we make it to at least day 3 since I don't have a babysitter for tomorrow and dd has her dentist appt - though that is at 9 thank goodness so I don't have to change it.

I guess I should be happy that at least I did have some fertilized.  Others have received worst news.  I just pray these 3 embryos start dividing and are good quality.  This is our last free cycle so it is a big deal that it works.

ER - ivf#5

ER went well today.  You know when you have had too many ER's when the nurse know you by name (without looking at the sheet) and commenting on your new hair cut.  Only good thing was I felt like I was getting star treatment and she even told another nurse off who came by to do my iv.
Also my RE was doing the ER today so that was good. 

We arrived there at 8:15 and I went in at around 10:05.  I thought we were the last slot for the day, but there were still many women after me.  I feel bad for them because it was bad enough having no food or drink for 10 hours, can't imagine waiting 11 or more hours.

Surprisely I was pretty relaxed during the 2 hour wait.  In contrast to last time where I was a basket of nerves.  I didn't have over confidence though that I had for ivf #3 (I don't think I can ever feel like that again).  I guess this time I figured there is nothing I can do at this point and they will get however many they do and that is that.  I think this worked because I got the shock of my life when I work up.

I hate how they tell you the count right at the moment you are openning your eyes, so you are still in that half dazed, what happened phase.  Today's count was 13.  That's right 13.  I thought for a minute am I hearing her right.  This is more than I have ever gotten at ER, even when I did my first ivf at age 30.  IVF # from 1-4 were 9, 6, 4, and 5 so you see how off 13 is.  Of course I am not complaining.  My RE came over afterwards very pleased that we got so many.  Of course I don't know how many of them are mature, but it is so much better working with a larger number and for someone who has DOR with high FSH, 13 is an awesome number.

Before I went in they had tentatively scheduled ET for Friday, with a second day of Saturday.  I forgot that I agreed with a 2-3 day transfer with the RE when I went for the wtf appt 7 weeks ago.  So I have no idea when ET will be.  With 13 eggs I can't imagine us going there for a 2dt.  I really hope we don't since dd has a dentist appt for 9:30 that morning and I don't want to change it for the very low chance that we would have ET.  If things continue to go well, we may actually get to do a 5dt on Monday (who would have thought that would ever happen). 

This is why $tree tests suck

I gave the trigger at 9:30pm last night.  I know my time was suppose to be at 9pm, but I scared myself reading too much on google and didn't want to risk ovulating with doing it 37 hours before, plus if they are pushed back I could be really screwed.  So I figured I would compromise and do the shot 36.5 hours before.  I figure this was the best of both worlds. 90% of clinics do it at 36 hours, another 8% do it at 35 hours, so I figure at 36.5 hours I am already past those times, but before 37 hours so less chance of worrying about ovulating.

Another reason was I was on the phone with my father from 8:45-9:15 and didn't want to let him go by saying I needed to take a timed shot for ivf.  He asked if I was busy and I said yes.  I mean I am busy, between the ivf and dd's therapies my schedule is packed.  He was happy to hear this because he thought it meant business was doing well. I didn't want to tell him that wasn't why I was busy since it would only upset him so sometimes a little lie is for the best.  Of course it wasn't really a lie since I am busy, and I do have some house calls this month, just not as many that will bring in enough money to pay bills with.

So anyways, I woke up at just before 5:30 this morning to pee so took a test.   After what happened with ivf#3, I have to make sure that at least the trigger worked and wasting a $1 dollar tree test is well worth the peace of mind.  So I did the test and unfortunately forgot my watch in the room so I couldn't time things.  However I waited what seemed like 10 minutes and though a line did show up, it was extremely faint, however was thick and pink unlike my evaporates and ghost lines from last cycle.   I didn't know what to think.   It was positive, but why was it taking so long to show up and so so faint.  For 8 hours after trigger it should be super dark and clearly visible like the control line.  I was debating doing a frer, but really didn't want to waste a frer for a fake bfp.  So I gave up and went back to bed.  Woke up 2 hours later at 7:30 and digged the test out of the trash (yes I do this) and to my shock is a blaring bfp.  I have come to the conclusion that $tree tests are not very readible until they fully dry.  I know this goes against how you are suppose read and use hpt, but when I threw that test out at the 10 min mark it was positive, but hard to see, plus a line didn't start to even hint to appear until around 5 min or later and now 2 hours later once the test is dried is a super dark (similar to control line) bfp that you can see clearly from across the room.  I can understand how woman can think they aren't pregnant when they are if they follow the instructions on the test and do a cheap test like the $tree ones.  For comparison, frer always are done by the 3 min mark.  I know I would have got an immediate answer if I used one this morning, but didn't want to waste the $5 that that test likely cost me (it is bad enough having to waste a $1 to get a fake bfp).

I am starting to experience some major nausea that I can only conclude is from the trigger.  It is funny how I never experienced this symptom before from the stims or trigger, but now have it this time.  I don't know if it is because I haven't been exposed to hcg as much recently, like I was when I did ivf #2 and was basically chemically pregnant for 4 months by the time I got my bfp.  It does suck though getting m/s before I even make it to ER, let alone get a bfp.

On other news, dh called last night and said he got his day off switched from Thursday to Wednesday so now he doesn't have to worry about calling in sick.  This works out much better since I know how much dh hates calling in and having to worry about his job, even though his job sucks and he is leaving in 2 months.  He will still work tonight and then go back on Thursday and then get the weekend off.

Stim day 10 - trigger night

So guess yesterday results were a fluke because I had 3 follicles at 20 today, so the tech said we will likely be triggering tonight.  Of course dh wasn't pleased when he heard this news.  I told him to tell his boss the truth and he needs Tuesday and Wednesday off, and instead he will work Thursday and next Sunday and Monday since he doesn't need those days booked off anymore.  However dh won't do this.  He told me he will just call in sick tomorrow and still work on Wednesday.

Unfortunately, I couldn't answer the phone this afternoon for the instructions.  DD was in the therapy all afternoon and they called just as we were just on our way to the car to leave to go back home.
Another nurse called today instead of my regular nurse so I was kind of upset about that because she didn't go into much detail about today's results like my normal nurse does.

She did say estrogen was 1352 and there 22 follicles between 10-20mm.  I was shocked about this, but it sucks not knowing the numbers since 10-13mm follicles will not be mature so it isn't an accurate number.  Really they should tell me the follicle number that is over 15mm so I have a better idea of potential egg count, of course not like I can anticipate even that after what happened with ivf #3.

Anyways, I will be triggering tonight at 9pm with ER at 10am on Wednesday (with a 9am admit time).  I didn't know how to feel about this.  Usually we always had ER at 9 with an 8am admit.  Doing it at 10 puts me in the latest slot.  I called dh at work and told him this and that it may be better for him to call in on Wednesday instead of Tuesday since we will likely leave now at 6:30am instead of 5:30am.  So I am not sure what he is going to do, however it seems to hard for him to go into work on Wednesday at 2:30 when we likely won't get home until 1pm.  I hate having him go into ER with only 5.5 hours sleep but it may be the better plan giving the late ER time slot.

Don't know what to make of this

Okay so I had to go to Lexington this morning since it is Sunday.  I woke up this morning having one of those days where everything goes wrong.  DD woke up at 4:30 so that meant I was up before 5 this morning.  Then I try and find our cat Honey to give her her antibiotic (she started with another UTI again yesterday).  Found her downstairs, but when she saw dd she immediately ran up under the bed.  I went to get some food to give to both her and Kovu and the food spilled all over the floor.  I then had to take the one bed apart in order to get her out of it.  Then as I was walking back down stairs I stepped in the spilled cat food, and then when I tried to feed dd her tray got tipped and a whole container of yoghut spilled all down my shorts and all over the rug and floor. Not fun.

Anyways, at least the drive to Lexington wasn't bad.  When I got there they changed the waiting room.  They now make you wait in a tiny waiting room if you are there for blood and u/s.  I was suprirsed to only see a few people there.  However, I never noticed the sign in book until the next lady came and started to sign in.  Luckily she was only there for bloodwork so we both went back at once.  I tried to have the nurse draw from my right arm since my left arm is the only that is always poked and I figure they were probably more experienced in Lexington, unfortunately she couldn't feel the vein so I am only left with my one poor vein in my left arm.  Not sure what they are going to do about an IV at ER.

I had to wait 45 min though for the u/s.  Had the same woman as I did back in February.  The good thing about the Lexington office is the u/s screen is facing you so you can see everything being done.  At Providence I can't see anything so have to rely on the tech to tell me everything.  Anyways, as I was watching her I noticed how difficult it was being an u/s tech for a fertility clinic.  It didn't make any sense of what follicles she chose to measure and sometimes it seemed like she measured the same one.  Now I wonder if all my previous cycles my numbers were just off because the u/s were never done properly.  I mean you can't highlight a follicle after you measure it to know it has been checked.  Anyways, I tried to put this out of my mind since she was experienced and she was actually the person who trained the tech that I normally see.

However, now that they just called with the results I don't know what to think.
My estrogen rose which is good.  It is now 1067.
Progesterone and LH are both less than 1.
Now here is where it gets weird.

Left ovary: 10, 11, 11, 13, 14, 15.
Compare this to 2 days ago: 11.1, 13.4, 13.5, 13.2, 14.7, 15.5
So either someone measured wrong or my follicles are shrinking!

Right ovary today: 10, 11, 12, 12, 13, 13, 15, 15, 16
(Two days ago they were: 11.5, 12.3, 12.7, 13.3, 14.3, 14.4 so these measurements seem okay).

I tried googling "Shrinking follicles with ivf" since I only know this is normal with a natural cycle and of course I start reading scary stuff about follicles shrinking down to nothing.  I am praying this is just an error due to a different tech during the scan.  Also the fact that today's values were all whole numbers might point more to this suggesting they were either rounded up or down.  Anyways, it does worry me.  Besides adding the ganirelix the only other difference was that for the past few days I was trying to finish off the rest of the gonal-f pens instead of just openning a new one.  Not sure if that could effect things or not.  Anyways my next three doses will be full doses with a new pen so we shall see what happens when I go back for tomorrow's results.

cd 7 (2nd monitoring appt)

My ovaries started hurting yesterday so I was expecting some good news at today's appt and things seem to be going good.

Estrogen: 673
LH 4.88
Progesterone 0.053

Left ovary: 11.1, 13.4, 13.5, 13.2, 14.7, 15.5
Right ovary: 11.5, 12.3, 12.7, 13.3, 14.3, 14.4

So it looks like a few more smaller ones popped up.  I am not sure if the nurse missed one since the tech told me she saw 7 on the right, but when I add up the numbers it is 6 and 6.
Anyways, I'm not complaining 12 follicles is a good number and the fact they are close together is even better.  I looked back at my other cycles and the only one I responded faster was the last cycle (the flare protocol), but I also had a huge range of sizes which wasn't good.  I hope the fact that this cycle has been going well from the start is a good sign. 

I started the ganirelix tonight.  Good thing it came yesterday.  I almost missed the fedex guy because he came just after I took dd upstairs to get her ready for her nap.  I was changing her diaper which happened to be filled with poop and then the guy decides to knock on the door.  Good thing dh was home and he wasn't in the middle of a game or something and could run to the door since I was up to my elbows in poop.

It is looking like ER will be next Wednesday or Thursday.  DH will have Thursday off work for doing a double on Sunday, but he still needs to take the day before and if ER is on Wednesday this won't help at all.  The tech did say they can write a doctor's note since it is medical necessary that he is there.  I told her though it really doesn't matter.  It really doesn't, dh will be leaving his job in 2 months anyways.  If they are dumb enough to fire him for something stupid like this then he can just go down to the unemployment office and collect for the next year while also doing his masters.
Of course dh doesn't see things this way and he is freaking out, even though he hates his job and tells me everyday he wants to quit now.

So I will be going to Lexington on Sunday for bloodwork and u/s.  Surprisely I wasn't too upset about this because I was expecting it.  I mean it is Father's day so of course they will send me to Lexington.  I do feel bad because FIL has to watch dd that morning for me now and it is also his birthday and I know he has plans he wants to do besides staying home and babysitting.  I'm hoping that my experience there is better than what happened back in February and I can be back home by 10:30 so FIL can go out and enjoy his birthday and father's day with his friends.

ivf5 cd5

So had my first monitoring appt today after 4 days of stims.
My estrogen is 250 something and I have a total of 7 follicles so far, 3 on the left and 4 on the right ranging in size from 10-11 with one 12.4 on the right.  Unfortunately I don't have exact numbers written down since the nurse called when we were waiting for dd's therapy to start.  I figured since it is still early in the cycle she wasn't going to tell me exact numbers because I figured my follicles would be too small to measure so I decided to answer the call instead of letting it go to voice mail.

I am shocked at how quickly my follicles have grown since I have felt nothing in my ovaries yet and usually I am a slow responder as well as poor responder.  I was hoping ER would be at the end of next week, but if things keep going this way it is looking like more like mid week.  I know dh will be upset about this.  I am glad that I ordered the ganirelix to arrive tomorrow (even though it means I have to stay home for my birthday to receive the shipment) because it is looking like I will be starting it on Friday.

I must say though that this course of stims has been the best so far in terms of side effects.  I have only had a couple migrane headaches after the gonal-f and those only last a few minutes.  Much much better than the flare protocol where I had migranes for the whole 2 weeks of stims non-stop 24 hours a day. 

Stim Day 1

Started the gonal-f this morning.  I must say I like this stim cycle the best since it is only gonal-f twice a day.  Don't have to worry about stinging menupur, mixing meds, or doing 4 injections like last time when I was also on the lupron.  Of course once the ganirelix is added later it will be bumped up to 3 shots a day, but for right now, 2 small pokes with the gonal-f pen is nice and easy.  Of course once trigger comes this will all change and I will have to deal with IM injections every day then.  This I am not looking forward to.

So far no side effects from the gonal-f, but I know in a couple of days the headaches will start to come on.

Still no sign of AF.  I did have one spotting episode this morning, but it is now gone so don't know what is going on there.  However since I started stims today the RE is calling today cd1, even though on ff it is cd17 since I haven't bled yet.

Still need to order the PIO and ganirelix.  I am going to call the nurse on Monday to make sure she sends the script in.  Unfortunately the earliest I can receive the shipment isn't until Thursday (my birthday) since I am going to be out for the first few days next week.  I was hoping to go out on my birthday, but since I can't wait on this ganirelix since I will likely start it next weekend I need to make sure I have it before than. 

Anyways, I am feeling very positive about this cycle so hoping it will work.  If it doesn't I don't know what to do.  I know that we will likely have to wait until at least the fall to try again since I don't want to use the new deducible after June 30 since we will only have HP for 2 months max.  I would rather put the money to a plan that I will have for a year, than just a couple of months. 

I have also decided to hold off on my dental crown.  I received the estimate letter yesterday and I was going to book the crown, but then I found out that a crown takes 2 appts and at least a 2-3 week break in between.  I can't do that.  Even if I got in for the first part during stims, I can not do the second part so I have decided to wait until July if this cycle doesn't work, or if it does to do it in the Fall when I will be in the 2nd trimester.  DH's school has dental insurance for me and him for just under $600 for the year so we are going to buy it since I can't go without dental insurance (thank you bad teeth genes).  A crown on the new insurance will cost ~$600, compared to ~$300-400 on our plan right now, but I can not take the chance with cycling after putting so much time, money, and emotion into ttc.

No more bcp ever again (hopefully)

So took my last pill last night and had my suppression check this morning.  I was hoping to speak with the nurse when she called because the pharmacy still doesn't have the script for the PIO, but unfortunately the music in my car was probably too loud and I missed her call.  I didn't check my phone again until 4 when I was leaving to pick dd up from school and thinking it weird she still hasn't called since she usually does between 2 and 3, and there was the missed calls and voice message from an hour earlier.  Guess this means I am going to have to call tomorrow, leave a message (since they never pick up the phone), and wait for who knows how long to call back.  I would like to place the order for PIO and ganirelix tomorrow so it can arrive on Friday.

Anyways, now I am on med break again (except for the prenatal and q10).  I start the stims on Saturday and go back for bloodwork and u/s next Wednesday.  So it is looking like ER will be between June 20-22.
The good news is I don't have to worry about my citizenship interview anymore interfering with the cycle time line.  I got my letter the other day and we go on July 10.  I will either be 5 weeks pregnant by then or coming off of a horrible AF.  Let's hope for the first.  The good part about that too is that it will be just before I should have any bad pregnancy symptoms so don't have to worry about m/s or being extremely tired during the test and long waiting.

I am glad that the wait for this cycle is finally over and we are starting to get the ball rolling again.  Though I hated having to wait, I think it was good for my psyche.  I have a fresh and renewed feeling going into this cycle.  Even though it has only been 7 weeks, it feels like it has been 7 months.  It did help though that other parts of my life have been very busy the past month and a half.

It has also helped blocking signatures and pictures on ff.  I never realized how much that stuff affected me before, but it was really eating at me.  Even thinking about it, how all the woman in my dd's due date group have already given birth again or are in the third trimester and I am hoping to just be getting pregnant.  It really hit me tonight when I was on fb and one of the woman had a picture of her 2nd baby saying it is 9 months today.  It made me really stop and think, here she was already with a 9 month old (and she wasn't the first one to give birth again).  That means that it has been 9 months since she gave birth and 18 months since she got pregnant on the first month of trying.  Meanwhile I remember when she got pregnant me and dh had been trying for 6 months already, so add that up and it means we have been ttc #2 for 2 years now.
Kind of depressing when you think about it :(