19w5d

So I have been feeling good about this pregnancy since I haven't had a loss dream, well that ended last night.  Well I did technology had a loss dream back in the 1st trimester, but that was a loss after birth so different.  The reason why m/c dreams scare me is because I have had one before both my losses before and they were pretty similar in experience.  This one was similar in that I gave birth to the baby that was born too soon to save, only difference was this time the baby wasn't alive, unlike the dream I had with the twins they were both alive and trying to breathe at 15 weeks but couldn't really.

In this dream I went to the toilet and felt a plop.  I knew immediately what it meant.  Then I had a few more plops.  I prayed that it wasn't what I thought it was and only in my imagine, but nope when I got up and looked there was the baby at the bottom of the toilet, and the placenta - the 2nd plop on the top of the water.  I couldn't make out the baby well at all, but knew it was likely there on the bottom.  I debated for a minute what to do.  Wanting to fish it out of the toilet bottom, but also scared to do so.  Also feeling upset that I was no longer pregnant and had loss the baby.  It was at this point I woke up.

I am trying to tell myself that the dream doesn't mean anything.  If it was true, I would have been in a lot of pain, etc.  I didn't experience any pain during the birth in the dream.  It was just one minute I was pregnant and then needed to go to the bathroom and then out comes the baby.  No pushing or pain.  Meanwhile if this was real I would be having contractions for hours before hand, as well as know what was about to happen.

Tomorrow is the last day I can possibly have a m/c anyhow, unfortunately it isn't the last day I could have a loss.  I am still a week away from the point where ds died, so maybe that is playing into this dream.

I also worry that I don't feel the baby as much as I should.  I know it is early and some people don't feel the baby at all at this point, but I would feel much better if I felt constant strong movements.  Most of the movements I do feel are still what I would consider flutters.  Also though my stomach has popped, I don't look pregnant to other people, just very fat.  I blame being long waisted and having a pear shape on this.  Normally my weight is just in my hips and thighs, but now with my stomach getting bigger it just makes me look like I big and fat all over.  I really don't know if I will ever have a proper pregnancy belly.