9w3d

I know it has been a while since I have last posted.  I have just been feeling so blah and tired and not wanting to do much of anything.  It doesn't matter how much I sleep, this feeling doesn't go away.  Hopefully it will be gone once I get out of the first trimester.

I went to my pregnancy loss group on Thursday night.  I was going to tell the other women there about the pregnancy, but then never got around to it, then it felt weird to mention it at the end.  The woman that runs it husband is dying of cancer and I didn't feel like following her talk about her dh with "guess what guys, I'm pregnant".  Maybe because I am still so scared of losing this baby and right now it is easy just to keep the secret as something I know without worrying about any of them knowing.  Of course I am going to have to say something soon and I worry if it comes out when a new woman joins.  Don't really want to make such an announcement after someone is just getting over a stillbirth.

One of the woman at the group has a girl that just turned 2 in July and when they pass the cemetary her dd yelled out the window "hello J***, I'm eating chips" (the woman had a stillborn baby 5 years ago).  It makes me sad that dd is 29 months old and knows nothing about her brother and it isn't like I can tell her about him right now because she has no concept what a sibling is or about pregnancy.  Hopefully with this new baby she will be able to learn that she does have a brother in heaven.  I don't know, events over the last week have just showed me how much dd is behind other kids her age.  I tend not to see it since she has made great strides in the past few months, but she is still almost a year behind in language and cognitive skills.  However, it is not always noticable to the average person so when she does act up strangers probably just think she is an unruly, undisciplined child when that is far from the truth, though she is undisciplined, but that is just because she lacks the cognitive skills to understand if she did something wrong.

Since my u/s on Tuesday I tried using the doppler a few times and still haven't got a heartbeat.  I know it is still early so trying not to get myself upset, but I will feel a whole lot better once I can find it.