10w4d

Nothing new really to report.  I go for my first appt tomorrow with the high risk doctor.  Starting to get worried about that.  I have been trying to listen with my doppler almost daily.  I had a scare a few days ago when after an hour of looking I couldn't find it, this was after finding it after 10 seconds the day before.  I ended up learning that despite what it says online about a full bladder being better in early pregnancy, I need an empty bladder.  Also I think the baby is moving around quick a bit since when I finally do find the heartbeat or placental pulse it is only for 1-2 seconds and then gone again and I can't find it again despite searching for it.

However even finding a heartbeat doesn't decrease my u/s worry since ds had a perfect hb until his death at 21 weeks despite not growing after 15 weeks.  I am terrified of another early placenta failure happening, not to mention the other normal worries that there is a chromosome or anatomical problem with the baby.  It pisses me off that ds was perfect and if he had a decent placenta he would be alive today and we would not have had to do anymore cycles since we would have our 2 children already.  I have been googling like crazy to try and see if there is a reason why his placenta died so early, but can't find anything.  Only thing I find is stories of others who had early iugr (though maybe a few weeks later than I did) and their baby continued to grow even though a slower rate.  I am really hoping this doctor I see tomorrow is good and won't blow off my concerns because I know if the same thing happens again as last pregnancy I will be pissed.  It is one thing to have something happen once, but to have it happen again when they know my medical history and don't try things to prevent such problems is uncalled for.

DD will be staying over at my MIL tonight until tomorrow afternoon when I will pick her up for her therapies.  Hoping everything goes well with that.  I have to take her over myself today since dh is working and I am not sure how my MIL will be.  Haven't talked to her in 2 weeks and she has a tendency to have mood swings (now I know where dh gets it from).  DH only has 2 weeks left of work.  I admit I am starting to get excited for him, though do worry about how it will be with having him home all the time.  However I do have a good feeling that we are doing the right thing with having him go back to school and we are finally starting to get things to move forward and our life will improve in the long run because of it.