Friday, July 6, 2012

Worried about twins

So after yesterday's high beta I have been googling and it seems that my number is higher than a high number for a singleton.  I think American pregnancy lists a beta range of 5-430 as normal for 15dpo with average being 150-200.  Well my 474 is above this.  Also one I look back at my last two pregnancies my number is much more in line with my twin pregnancy than the singleton.

Singleton pregnancy: 14dpo- 130, 17dpo- 665
Twin pregnancy: 14dpo- 285, 18dpo- 1996

Yesterday's number of 474 at 15dpo falls right in the range of what may twin pregnancy may have been.  I am worried about this because I don't want a repeat of last pregnacy.  Also I am now working and so I can't just take months off work for bedrest since I am self employed.  My plan for this pregnancy was to just shut the clinic down for one month and then the following month work like one day a week.  Since it will be during the down winter time it should work out okay.  This will be perfect for a low key singleton pregnacy, but not a high risk twin one.

Also even if I did make it to birth, we definately can not handle the fiancial or space needed for twins.  I know we couldn't 3 years ago either, but we would have been able to manage with one set of twins as our only children, now we already have one child so added two babies on top of that is almost impossible.

I know some people say I should have thought about this before we made the choice to transfer two, but really when you are put in that position with a previous failure and a cancelled cycle and this was our one last shot before our insurance renewed, and being DOR, we really had no choice.  If we made it to a day 5 transfer we definately would have only transferred one, but at day 3 my clinic recommends two since most day 3's don't make it to blast and it is very doubtful that the 2nd embryo would make it to freezing quality. 

Anyways, to scare me even further my RE just called me.  Guess she is worried about both embryos taken too and was asking me about the twin's birth.  She wanted to know if ds was delivered at 21 weeks.  I said no I carried him until it was time for the c-section.  She then I think wanted to know what kind of c-section it was.  I am guessing a vertical (classical) compared to a horizontal.  She didn't say these exact words, but I was getting the drift of what she meant and likely why she wanted to know this.  I told her I didn't know and gave her the name of the hospital I gave birth in so she will try and get the records.  I think she is worried if it was a vertical c-section that my uterus may not be able to handle carrying multiples to term.  I am not sure, but I know there is a risk of uterine tearing with a classical incision that is why you can't have a VBAC if you have one done.  Vertical incisions are much more common with premature birth since the uterus is smaller so there is a likely chance that I had one given birth at 31 weeks.  I'm not 100% sure though since nobody told me either way and I figure they would if they did since it is a serious matter with giving birth again.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

4w1d

Today's beta was 474.  I was kind of shocked it was so high since my tests still seem lighter than the control line (though not by much now).  I was expecting a number 200-250 so I am happy with the 474.  They didn't check my progesterone or estrogen.  Not sure why.  Hopefully they will do it at the next beta check.  The nurse told me to stop the estrace, but I don't feel comfortable about that.  My last two pregnancies I was on it for 10 weeks (well 9 weeks the first one since the baby died), though decreased the does after 7 weeks.  My last pregnancy I did take it secretly though since my RE told me to stop it and the PIO at 4 weeks.  Googling about this I find most people are on it until 8-12 weeks so I don't know why she would tell me to stop at just after 4 weeks.  I could understand if I had high estrogen during stims, but I didn't.  My estrogen was lower than what the average RE like to see for trigger day.   I do know the clinic used to not even prescribe estrace.  For my last pregnancy they didn't routinely prescribe it and only letted me take it because I did for cycle #1 and it worked.  Now they put everyone it 2dpER, though I guess they take you off at 4 weeks.  Anyways, I don't feel comfort stopping this early, especially without any blood work saying my estrogen is too high so I am staying on my same dose until after the first u/s like I did with my last 2 pregnancies.

I go back for repeat beta on Monday.  I was kind of shocked about this too since it is usually 48 hours later so I was thinking I would go on Saturday.  When she said the 9th I had to stop and think for a moment (wasn't near a calendar because she called when I was in the bathroom for my hourly pee session).  She then said Monday so I know that it is correct.  Not sure how they can accurately check doubling then since by then my number will be in the thousands and doubling time usually decreases past 1200.

I only have 2 frer left so I decided since there isn't much difference in the lines each day I will wait and test every 48 hours.  That way I will make it through to my next beta.  So I won't test tomorrow and test again on Saturday and then Monday morning before my beta.  I ususally can tell progression much better when I look back at the test from the day before last.  When I go back just one day they seem to look the same.  I think because there isn't much difference in line strength when you get this high.  So hopefully by Saturday my line will be darker than the control line and by Monday way darker than the control line. 

I have class tonight from 8-9pm (though it will likely run to 9:30 because it did last week and this is the last session for the course).  I don't know how I am going to get through it because I have been crashing just after 8 for the past 2 days.  Even yesterday where I hardly felt any symptoms all day and was still wide awake by the time we got home at 7pm, but 8 the tiredness hit me and I had to go to bed.  I must say going out yesterday to celebrate was a good idea, even though I had to be outside in the heat.  At least it got me away from in the house here and constantly symptom spotting. 

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

4 weeks

I am so glad week 3 is done.   Even though it was only half a week it seemed to drag on forever.  I hate how slow the first trimester is.  I can't wait until the end of the summer.  I know it doesn't mean I will be in the safe zone, but I will at least feel a bit better.

Today's tests showed up at the 10 second mark.  Much fast than the 5 minute mark 4 days ago.  Today was my last $tree test.  I don't think I will buy anymore since the line is pretty bright.  It isn't darker than the control line, but I don't think $tree tests ever get darker than the control line.  The frer this morning is either just as dark or almost just as dark as the control line.  It is hard to tell.

I go for my first beta tomorrow.  I hate how I have to wait so long because of the holiday, though I think even without the holiday it would be tomorrow.  I think I remember the nurse or the u/s tech telling me that they always do it at 15dpER now no matter what.  For my singleton pregnancy my beta was 109 today (and that was after only 3 days of bfp's) and my twins was 256.  So I am guessing my number will fall inbetween these two today.

The fatigue set in yesterday.  I went to bed shortly after 8pm.  I don't think though that these signs are related to the hcg yet, since hcg doesn't really cause symptoms until it is over 1000, and more likely over 10 thousand.  I think the PIO is causing these symptoms.  I am curious what my progesterone will show tomorrow.  For my twins it was 200 (doctors like to see it over 20 for pregnancy) so it was way over board.    My RE actually told me to stop the PIO and estrace, but I didn't want to take the risk so I just cut the dose in half.

Not quite sure what I will do today.  Normally we go to dh's uncles for the 4th.  I talked to MIL yesterday and told her I wasn't sure if I was feeling well enough to go and I will let her know today.  However, I thought about it and really don't want to be struck here worrying about symptoms all day.  I am confident with my lines this morning and being on the PIO that I won't lose this pregnancy at the moment.  I will only go though if MIL can help watch dd since dh can't come because he is working and I can't be chasing after dd the whole time.  We were going to go to the children's museum on Friday for their free day, but I have decided against it since I don't think I can take the walking or the crowds.  I told dh we will go next year and it will be better because dd will be then 3 and we could always leave the baby at the inlaws if we didn't want to take him or her.


Tuesday, July 3, 2012

10dp3dt (3w6d pregnant)

Today was the first day I got  a blaring bfp on the $tree.  I think my problem before was I only put 3 drops in (since this is what it says on the back of the box).  Well I am here to tell you 3 drops hardly shows anything.  Today I probably added 5 drops and I got a nice dark line.

FRER looks like yesterday.  Surprisely, yesterday I thought that test looked like the day before, but now 11dpo test is very faint.  I don't know what is up with these frer.  I still have my frer from 3 years ago and they look the exact same they did back in 2009, but these frer seem to fade after 2 days.  I guess I won't be hanging on to these tests.  Anyways, I am trying not to let it bother me that the frer doesn't look much different.  It is just a tad lighter than the control line and I don't think it gets to that darkness until the beta is higher (probably around 200 or something).  If I could guess I would say my beta is probably around 100 today which would be an average number for tomorrow so a very good number for this early on.  I don't go for my official beta until Thursday so hopefully by that time it will be over 200.

Despite all this I am petfied and almost had a breakdown yesterday from the stress.  I am terrified that I will start spotting or that my numbers won't rise.  75% of m/c happen by 6 weeks so these next couple of weeks will be very very stressful.  Of course even after that I can't breathe a sign of relief because my first pregnancy ended after great betas and perfect first u/s and hb.  Even reaching 12 weeks isn't a reassurance because we had 7 perfect u/s with ds before finding out at the anatomy scan that something was wrong.  This worries me too, since I will feel better once I reach 10-12 weeks and can at least listen daily with my doppler, but ds had a good hb up to his death at 21 weeks.  He just didn't grow for those last 6 weeks, something that would have never been discovered without an u/s.

It then worries me that I am so worried for this pregnancy.  I pray it is not a bad omen.  I guess the only comfort I have is I lost my last two babies after I thought I was safe.  With pregnancy #1 I relaxed after the first perfect u/s and my RE said my chance of m/c now is only 5% from the normal 20%.  Well, my baby died a few days later, but I had no sign so it was a shock when I went for the 2nd scan feeling great about being discharged from the RE and finding out the baby was dead.
Because of this my 2nd pregnancy I didn't let my guard down, until I got a few weeks past the 2nd trimester.  By 14 weeks I started to feel better, and by 17 weeks all the fear went away when the babies looked perfect and my ob reassured me that I would know if anything bad was going to happen now.  So I actually went into the anatomy happy and excited to find out the sexes of the babies.  I still listened to their hb that morning so I knew I would not get the same shock as #1 since they both had great hb on the doppler and so were alive.  I mean what could go wrong. Well we found out ds hadn't grown in the last 3 weeks (he was measuring 15 weeks in size and I was 18 weeks).  My ob had a tiny u/s machine so that is why it wasn't picked up the previous week because they both looked similar in size then.  However because of this I had trouble believing this until we went back to my ob at 20 weeks and then it was clear as day on his tiny u/s machine that ds was only 1/5 the size of dd.

So maybe it is a good sign that I am nervous because when I let my guard down that is when bad stuff happens.  For the reminder of my last pregnancy after ds's death I had my guard up.  I checked with my doppler daily until I got put in the hospital at 29 weeks, even though during this whole time I could feel dd.  I never even put the stroller together until after dd was born because I was afraid of losing her too and it being too hard to return after it was put together and the box thrown away.

Monday, July 2, 2012

A picture speaks a 1000 words



Bottom test is today's (12dpER or 9dp3dt) taken at 1:30am.  It was hard to tell if the line was darker in person, but when taken a picture it clearly shows to be darker. 

One conclusion can be made from this: I now know at least one embryo has implanted.  Anxious for Thursday to come so we can actually get a blood number instead of trying to deciper pee stick lines.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Symptom checker

It is weird that for the last week I have had basically zero symptoms, but now that I get a bfp all the symptoms start rushing in.  And it can't even be from the hcg because the levels are still low right now, compared to just after the trigger shot.

So here is the list of symptoms:
1. insomina - after testing this morning at 2:30am I couldn't get back to sleep until 6.  I tried a few times and then gave up at 4am and went on the computer for a few hours.  I remember insomina was a major early symptom with my first pregnancy until the fatigue hit at 5 weeks.  I basically blame the insomina on the excitement of the bfp's and testing each morning.  Unfortunately this is the only time my pee is concentrated at all so it is my only test time right now.

2. early stage m/s- yes I never thought this would hit this early.  With my first pregnancy I didn't start feeling things until 6 something weeks and with the twins it was 9 weeks.  Of course it hasn't become full blown m/s (let's hope it doesn't), but it is at the uneasiness and needing to eat, but not wanting many things stage.

3. cramps - these were pretty bad today.  I know cramping is very normal in early pregnancy, but it is still such a scary sign.  The cramps ranged from severe pre AF type cramps (the type that you just pray for AF to arrive so they can be over) to cramps that were sudden and sharp.  It is funny I always wished for a bfp so I wouldn't have to deal with the horrible pain of AF, when really you don't get away from the cramping pain even with pregnancy.

Symptoms I am not feeling:
nada in the breast department.  Of course this was never a big symptom with my previous two pregnancies either.

I am tired now and sort of out of it, but I blame that on the lack of sleep more than anything.

Praying tomorrow morning's tests are nice and darker.  I realize how much it sucks having a early bfp.  Yes it is great than dealing with bfn's, but it is also hard because it makes the pregnancy even longer.  I am only 3w4d today.  That is such a long long way away from 40 weeks or even 12 weeks.
I also think being IF makes it harder.  We all think that things are great when we see the double lines, but really things are only beginning.  But I think when you work so hard just to achieve a bfp it feels like you have already reached the finish line, or you are exhausted enough and then you find out that no you have to do another 40 laps around the track.  Meanwhile others just get to start out at the 40 lap part without having to run the premarathon.  I just want to reach the finish line and have my take home sibling for dd.

8dp3dt I think this is real

So I spent most of yesterday morning and evening googling like mad (I had a few housecalls yesterday so that at least kept me busy and out of the house) and basically scared myself into the possiblity that I was still picking up the trigger.

I always thought the trigger should be out by 10 days because that is what you always hear, but then I was seeing stories of pretty convincing bfp at 10 dpER that by the next day were lighter and totally negative by day 12.  Since yesterday was the first day I tested I couldn't be 100% positive that I might be one of these people that have a trigger stay for 12-14 days.

So I woke up this morning at 2:30 to pee and it was time to get the automatic answer.  Today is 11dpER and 12 days, 5 hours past trigger. 

First the $tree which was negative yesterday and then showed a very faint evap hours later was bfp today.  Very faint line again, but it appeared at the 4 min mark so I am sure once 3+ hours past again it will darken a bit more.  I was happy about this so expected to get good results with the frer.  Unfortunately, this morning's frer wasn't really darker, though it wasn't really lighter than yesterday.  It is hard to say since I think yesterday's test lightened over time, but maybe it didn't I just didn't realize how light it was at first.

I know I said yesterday that it looked like the frer from my twin pregnancy, but I compared it to that (yes I still have my used pee sticks from almost 3 years ago) and my frer with them was darker at 10dpER so maybe it is only one that implanted this time. 

Anyways, 10 and 11dpER is still good to get a bfp and the fact that my frer is still bfp today and didn't lighten to hardly anything and my $tree test is now a bfp from yesterday's bfn I am pretty confident to classify this as a real bfp. 

I will keep testing daily, hoping for the tests to darken.  I like to think that today didn't darken much because the hcg is still low so even with it doubling every 48 hours it doesn't make much of a chance on a hpt.  So like if yesterday my beta level was 20 which should be 40 by tomorrow, probably means it is 30 today.  I don't think the line on a frer would differ much between a 20 and a 30.  It could also explain why the $tree is now positive being over the 25 min level.  Also who knows if maybe I still had some trigger left yesterday that was artificially rising the hcg.  With the fake hcg going down, and real hcg going up it could also show as not much of a rise in the level at this stage in the game.

I brought 6 frer yesterday so I will be well set for the next week.  I only planned on buying 3, but the 3 pack had a b1g1 free mail in offer so I figure 6 for the price of 3 (even though I have to wait to get the money back) is a better deal than the offer on the 2 pack which included 1 extra free stick, so I could get 3 for $8 something or 6 for $26 (with a refund of $13) so I chose the 6.  Really I only need them to get me to Thursday which will be 15dpER and my official beta day.

And for those that like a visual yesterdays and today's pee sticks: