Things to celebrate:
- it has now been one week of no spotting
- yesterday was my last dose of PIO. I thought I had 15 crinone to take me to almost 12 weeks, but turns out I must have openned the box last cycle so I only have 9 left so looks like I will be med free in just over a week since I refuse to order refills. My RE wanted me to stop at 10 weeks exactly so I don't see a problem not refilling them.
- I may have found the baby's heartbeat or pulse during the night with my doppler. Very hard to say, and I am not going to call it yet. After a pee trip at 2am I decided to use my doppler since I figured I shouldn't be distrubed since everyone is sleeping. After 10 minutes or so I think I heard a "wosh wosh, wosh wosh, wosh wosh sound. Compared to my normal heartrate that makes a wosh, wosh, wosh sound. Of course dh comes up and surprises me at this exact time to bitch about FIL. I was so upset because I chose this time so I could have some peace to listen. I spent another 10 minutes to try and find that sound again with no luck. Also nothing came up on the display, maybe because the sound was so faint and only lasted for a split second.
- I got severely nausated this morning before being able to eat my cereal. I hate this part of m/s, but was getting worried since it wasn't happening when by this time in my other pregnancies it had become a daily morning activity for weeks (in fact my first pregnancy didn't make it to 9 weeks and I remember feeling like this before finding out the baby had died).
It is my mother's birthday today so I am going to have to call her and really scared on how that will go. Not sure if I will tell her or not, however if she starts in with how happy she is that I have giving up ttcing I will have no choice. I have been fretting all night about the possibly outcomes of the conversation. Wish I could have an understanding and supportive mother.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Saturday, August 11, 2012
9w3d
I know it has been a while since I have last posted. I have just been feeling so blah and tired and not wanting to do much of anything. It doesn't matter how much I sleep, this feeling doesn't go away. Hopefully it will be gone once I get out of the first trimester.
I went to my pregnancy loss group on Thursday night. I was going to tell the other women there about the pregnancy, but then never got around to it, then it felt weird to mention it at the end. The woman that runs it husband is dying of cancer and I didn't feel like following her talk about her dh with "guess what guys, I'm pregnant". Maybe because I am still so scared of losing this baby and right now it is easy just to keep the secret as something I know without worrying about any of them knowing. Of course I am going to have to say something soon and I worry if it comes out when a new woman joins. Don't really want to make such an announcement after someone is just getting over a stillbirth.
One of the woman at the group has a girl that just turned 2 in July and when they pass the cemetary her dd yelled out the window "hello J***, I'm eating chips" (the woman had a stillborn baby 5 years ago). It makes me sad that dd is 29 months old and knows nothing about her brother and it isn't like I can tell her about him right now because she has no concept what a sibling is or about pregnancy. Hopefully with this new baby she will be able to learn that she does have a brother in heaven. I don't know, events over the last week have just showed me how much dd is behind other kids her age. I tend not to see it since she has made great strides in the past few months, but she is still almost a year behind in language and cognitive skills. However, it is not always noticable to the average person so when she does act up strangers probably just think she is an unruly, undisciplined child when that is far from the truth, though she is undisciplined, but that is just because she lacks the cognitive skills to understand if she did something wrong.
Since my u/s on Tuesday I tried using the doppler a few times and still haven't got a heartbeat. I know it is still early so trying not to get myself upset, but I will feel a whole lot better once I can find it.
I went to my pregnancy loss group on Thursday night. I was going to tell the other women there about the pregnancy, but then never got around to it, then it felt weird to mention it at the end. The woman that runs it husband is dying of cancer and I didn't feel like following her talk about her dh with "guess what guys, I'm pregnant". Maybe because I am still so scared of losing this baby and right now it is easy just to keep the secret as something I know without worrying about any of them knowing. Of course I am going to have to say something soon and I worry if it comes out when a new woman joins. Don't really want to make such an announcement after someone is just getting over a stillbirth.
One of the woman at the group has a girl that just turned 2 in July and when they pass the cemetary her dd yelled out the window "hello J***, I'm eating chips" (the woman had a stillborn baby 5 years ago). It makes me sad that dd is 29 months old and knows nothing about her brother and it isn't like I can tell her about him right now because she has no concept what a sibling is or about pregnancy. Hopefully with this new baby she will be able to learn that she does have a brother in heaven. I don't know, events over the last week have just showed me how much dd is behind other kids her age. I tend not to see it since she has made great strides in the past few months, but she is still almost a year behind in language and cognitive skills. However, it is not always noticable to the average person so when she does act up strangers probably just think she is an unruly, undisciplined child when that is far from the truth, though she is undisciplined, but that is just because she lacks the cognitive skills to understand if she did something wrong.
Since my u/s on Tuesday I tried using the doppler a few times and still haven't got a heartbeat. I know it is still early so trying not to get myself upset, but I will feel a whole lot better once I can find it.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
8w6d
So I tried using my doppler twice last night - one time for about an hour with no luck so I wasn't feeling very well going in for today's appt. Luckily dh came with me, however we then had to bring dd which even though the staff at the RE's like, I don't because I know other women there may not want to see children at a RE's office. Ususally when I go it is very early in the morning so no one is there which isn't a problem, but today I took the latest appt so there were three people sitting there when we walked in. Hopefully none of them were there to confirm a m/c or get a negative beta.
Anyways, everything went well with the u/s. The baby is measuring on track and has a 177 hb. I got to hear it with the u/s and also got to see the baby briefly wiggle around and wave its arm bud.
I am so relieved since this is a major milestone day for me. My first pregnancy we found out at this stage the baby had died weeks before even though I still had major pregnancy signs and no spotting or bleeding. In fact I had way more symptoms my first pregnancy than I do this one. Not sure why that is, but I guess it shows you you can't rely on symptoms to gage how viable a pregnancy is.
So now our risk of loss is dropped to 3%. Of course I don't like reading into stats since I lost ds at 21 weeks when the chance was less than 1%. However I am trying to hold onto hope that this baby will make it since everything has been looking great with it all along.
I have a 13 days wait now until my next u/s unless I start majorly bleeding which I hope doesn't happen. I still have the SCH, but the tech says it appears smaller and like it is resolving so hopefully by my appt on the 20th it will be gone.
Anyways, everything went well with the u/s. The baby is measuring on track and has a 177 hb. I got to hear it with the u/s and also got to see the baby briefly wiggle around and wave its arm bud.
I am so relieved since this is a major milestone day for me. My first pregnancy we found out at this stage the baby had died weeks before even though I still had major pregnancy signs and no spotting or bleeding. In fact I had way more symptoms my first pregnancy than I do this one. Not sure why that is, but I guess it shows you you can't rely on symptoms to gage how viable a pregnancy is.
So now our risk of loss is dropped to 3%. Of course I don't like reading into stats since I lost ds at 21 weeks when the chance was less than 1%. However I am trying to hold onto hope that this baby will make it since everything has been looking great with it all along.
I have a 13 days wait now until my next u/s unless I start majorly bleeding which I hope doesn't happen. I still have the SCH, but the tech says it appears smaller and like it is resolving so hopefully by my appt on the 20th it will be gone.
Monday, August 6, 2012
8w5d
So the hospital called and appartently the doctor who I was suppose to see on the 16th isn't going to be there so now my appt is moved back to the 20th. I don't know what to do or think. I think I am just so pissed off and tired of this that I can't even react. The only good news is hopefully by that time I should be able to hear the baby with the doppler daily to at least ease my mind that way. It just upsets me that I have to wait until I am almost 11 weeks to have my first real prenatal appt when I am extremely high risk.
I had a tiny amount of spotting again this morning, but it was after a BM so I don't know if it was from the SCH or my cervix. I really hope the worst of the bleeding/spotting is over and that I get good news on the u/s tomorrow morning. I will try using the doppler one last time during the night, but not holding my breathe since I haven't been able to pick the baby up at all yet. I know it is still early so doesn't mean much, but I will feel so much better going into tomorrow's appt if I got the heartbeat on the doppler first. I don't know what I will do if this baby dies.
I had a tiny amount of spotting again this morning, but it was after a BM so I don't know if it was from the SCH or my cervix. I really hope the worst of the bleeding/spotting is over and that I get good news on the u/s tomorrow morning. I will try using the doppler one last time during the night, but not holding my breathe since I haven't been able to pick the baby up at all yet. I know it is still early so doesn't mean much, but I will feel so much better going into tomorrow's appt if I got the heartbeat on the doppler first. I don't know what I will do if this baby dies.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
8w4d
My pregnancy symptoms have been getting stronger the last few days, though still nothing like my last two pregnancies. Now I get nausous in the middle of the night after waking up to pee, but that is it and I am tired all day long. Really don't feel like doing anything but lying down sleeping or watching tv, unfortunately dd is still on her Caillou obsession so do either of those things.
I am also getting more irritable. I have had to back away from some of the boards on ff because some of the posters were just irritating me too much.
The good news is I haven't had red bleeding or spotting for over a week now. The most I get is just a tiny bit of brown spotting in the morning which is gone by lunch time. Today though I haven't even gotten this so I am hoping this is a good sign that the SCH is gone or almost gone.
I go for my u/s Tuesday morning and am really dreading it. I don't want to hear bad news and since 8w6d is a big milestone day for me it is really stressing me out. I found some almost brand new batteries in my old camera yesterday so tired using my doppler again, but still couldn't find a heartbeat after 20 minutes of looking.
I am also getting more irritable. I have had to back away from some of the boards on ff because some of the posters were just irritating me too much.
The good news is I haven't had red bleeding or spotting for over a week now. The most I get is just a tiny bit of brown spotting in the morning which is gone by lunch time. Today though I haven't even gotten this so I am hoping this is a good sign that the SCH is gone or almost gone.
I go for my u/s Tuesday morning and am really dreading it. I don't want to hear bad news and since 8w6d is a big milestone day for me it is really stressing me out. I found some almost brand new batteries in my old camera yesterday so tired using my doppler again, but still couldn't find a heartbeat after 20 minutes of looking.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
8w1d
So this nurse from my RE office called me this morning. I told her about the spotting and she talked to the doctor and offered for me to come in for one last u/s on Tuesday if I want. She did say it may not be covered by insurance (not like it would really matter since my deducible renewed so we would have to pay out of pocket anyways). Anyways, I said yes. I don't want to go 3 weeks without having a scan done especially with having the SCH. Though the tiny amount of spotting I had this morning stopped by noon time, I have no idea what it looks like on the inside. If it is still there and if it has grown or shrunk.
The only thing that worries me is on Tuesday I will be 8w6d. The exact same day I was with my first pregnancy when we found out the baby had died. This puts extra pressure on this date. I tried using my doppler again this morning even though I know I said I wouldn't. I listened for 10 minutes before the batteries died and still only was able to pick up my pulse and even that took time to find. So I don't know what to think. I know I shouldn't read too much into this, but it is hard when I worry everyday about whether the baby is still alive or not. Since the batteries are dead though I guess this will force me to not use it for at least another few more days.
The only thing that worries me is on Tuesday I will be 8w6d. The exact same day I was with my first pregnancy when we found out the baby had died. This puts extra pressure on this date. I tried using my doppler again this morning even though I know I said I wouldn't. I listened for 10 minutes before the batteries died and still only was able to pick up my pulse and even that took time to find. So I don't know what to think. I know I shouldn't read too much into this, but it is hard when I worry everyday about whether the baby is still alive or not. Since the batteries are dead though I guess this will force me to not use it for at least another few more days.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
8 weeks
So the spotting hasn't been bad today. Only tiny little bit of brown in the morning and now nothing for the rest of the day. I do wonder if I may have an UTI though because I have been having cramping pain in my bladder today. Unfortunately since I am having trouble getting in with a doctor I will not know if this is the case or not (more on that story below).
I decided to break out my doppler this morning since on of the women on ff reported on finding a hb just after 7 weeks. I tried and tried, but after 20 minutes had to give up. The only thing I heard was my own pulse and even that took a while to find. Didn't even hear any placenta sounds. I am hoping it means that the baby is still too low and that in a week or two I will be hearing everything fine, but it is hard not to get discouraged. I have decided because of today's dismal attempt that I will wait at least until the weekend before trying again.
Since I didn't hear back from the hospital yesterday at all I decided to call again first thing this morning. The women that answered said that yes they had booked me an appt, but that the power went out yesterday and they are just now getting the computers back up. She said she would call back. This was at 9:10. 3:30 came and still no call so I decided to try for the million time again, by this point I am getting pissed. The woman apolizies for not getting back to me and then tells me the appt is August 20. WTF? That is almost 3 weeks away. I said don't you have anything sooner. She says not with this doctor. I said I don't care who the doctor is. She then tells me August 16. Great it is still over 2 weeks away. I ask again if there is anything sooner and she says no this is the next available appt period. I tell her I need to be seen right away and that I am bleeding/spotting. She then tells me to see my doctor or go to the ER. I tell her I don't have a doctor, that my doctor released me to them. She then tells me if I need to be seen before the 16th to go to the ER there at that hospital.
Now for one thing why would I drive into Providence to go to the ER when I have the hospital here just down there street (though I hate St. Luke's, but that is another story).
So I hang up and call my RE. Of course it is now 3:40 and they close at 4. I leave a message with the secretary because they never answer the phone and try phoning my ob. Well that didn't go anywhere. The receptionist tells me that they don't have appts before the 16th and that since I am high risk that I need to go to the high risk period. Basically my ob won't touch me from the drift I got. So there you have it. I am 8 weeks today, with a SCH that is causing me to spot (even not bleed daily), may have an UTI, I am already labelled high risk, but the high risk clinic won't see me for another 15 days.
So I don't really know what to do. I am going to call back my RE's office again tomorrow morning (the good news is is after dd's PT first thing tomorrow I have the rest of the day free to get this matter straightened out). Hopefully they can pull some strings for me, or at least keep me as a patient for the next 2 weeks.
On other news, we have been without water in our kitchen all day today. The plumbers came yesterday evening, said they would be back today after talking with the landlord about getting us a new sink. Well I don't know what they did with the water, but it is not coming on (and I turned it on under the sink so that isn't it) and of course they didn't show up today. Left a message with my landlord at 5, but who knows what will happen with that because it seems if you don't speak directly to her that things don't get done. So I don't know what to do. We have about 10 loads of dishes piling up and if this water situation doesn't get fixed tomorrow we will have no clean dishes to eat off of, not to mention clean cups for dd. Saying I'm pissed and annoyed is an understatement. I am this close to writing my landlord an email and saying if this is not fixed immediately I am deducting next month's rent for every day we are without a kitchen sink.
I decided to break out my doppler this morning since on of the women on ff reported on finding a hb just after 7 weeks. I tried and tried, but after 20 minutes had to give up. The only thing I heard was my own pulse and even that took a while to find. Didn't even hear any placenta sounds. I am hoping it means that the baby is still too low and that in a week or two I will be hearing everything fine, but it is hard not to get discouraged. I have decided because of today's dismal attempt that I will wait at least until the weekend before trying again.
Since I didn't hear back from the hospital yesterday at all I decided to call again first thing this morning. The women that answered said that yes they had booked me an appt, but that the power went out yesterday and they are just now getting the computers back up. She said she would call back. This was at 9:10. 3:30 came and still no call so I decided to try for the million time again, by this point I am getting pissed. The woman apolizies for not getting back to me and then tells me the appt is August 20. WTF? That is almost 3 weeks away. I said don't you have anything sooner. She says not with this doctor. I said I don't care who the doctor is. She then tells me August 16. Great it is still over 2 weeks away. I ask again if there is anything sooner and she says no this is the next available appt period. I tell her I need to be seen right away and that I am bleeding/spotting. She then tells me to see my doctor or go to the ER. I tell her I don't have a doctor, that my doctor released me to them. She then tells me if I need to be seen before the 16th to go to the ER there at that hospital.
Now for one thing why would I drive into Providence to go to the ER when I have the hospital here just down there street (though I hate St. Luke's, but that is another story).
So I hang up and call my RE. Of course it is now 3:40 and they close at 4. I leave a message with the secretary because they never answer the phone and try phoning my ob. Well that didn't go anywhere. The receptionist tells me that they don't have appts before the 16th and that since I am high risk that I need to go to the high risk period. Basically my ob won't touch me from the drift I got. So there you have it. I am 8 weeks today, with a SCH that is causing me to spot (even not bleed daily), may have an UTI, I am already labelled high risk, but the high risk clinic won't see me for another 15 days.
So I don't really know what to do. I am going to call back my RE's office again tomorrow morning (the good news is is after dd's PT first thing tomorrow I have the rest of the day free to get this matter straightened out). Hopefully they can pull some strings for me, or at least keep me as a patient for the next 2 weeks.
On other news, we have been without water in our kitchen all day today. The plumbers came yesterday evening, said they would be back today after talking with the landlord about getting us a new sink. Well I don't know what they did with the water, but it is not coming on (and I turned it on under the sink so that isn't it) and of course they didn't show up today. Left a message with my landlord at 5, but who knows what will happen with that because it seems if you don't speak directly to her that things don't get done. So I don't know what to do. We have about 10 loads of dishes piling up and if this water situation doesn't get fixed tomorrow we will have no clean dishes to eat off of, not to mention clean cups for dd. Saying I'm pissed and annoyed is an understatement. I am this close to writing my landlord an email and saying if this is not fixed immediately I am deducting next month's rent for every day we are without a kitchen sink.
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