bfn/bfp

This morning is 7dp3dt so I usually start testing because it is early enough to get a real bfp, but also still enough enough that a bfn can still become a bfp.  Also if I get a bfn at least I know the trigger is out of my system.

I must report I have zero symptoms.  Even zero progesterone side effects.  I am not tired, my breasts are not big and do not hurt, I have no uterine twinges, I am not nausous, etc.
However, saying all that I could never get out of my mind that this cycle worked.  Maybe it is because the psychic said June was going to be it.  I know I shouldn't trust an internet psychic, but she has been right on about my last two bfps, about the number of babies it would be, and the sexes.  Pretty hard to be correct that many times.  For this reason I knew ivf #1 and #2 were going to work before I even started and #4 was going to be a failure.  I still tried not to believe it for #4, but the continued bfn just further proved to me that she had to be right.  For this reason I had a very good feeling about this cycle despite the lack of symptoms and really wanted to test.

I started with the $tree test since they are cheap.  Nothing.  Well, that isn't really accurate, it showed the same gray evaporate line that my previous tests did all last cycle which just ended up driving me crazy.  At least this time I knew the line was a bfn, but was it.

After 20 minutes I gave up with questioning and decided to bring out the frer.  I still had 2 left over from last time and thank goodness I did.  At first I started seeing a line and thought oh no I forgot how they have changed frer and they also show the antibody strip when looked closely.  Well nope, this line was pink and clearly visible.  It is a bfp. 

So there you have it $tree gave me a bfn, and frer gave me an obvious bfp.  I classify the bfp as very good for 10 dpo.  It is faint, but very noticable.  Probably similar to the line I got with the twins at 10dpo and definately darker than the faint almost visible line I got at 12dpo with my singleton pregnancy.  I told dh this so now he is worried that both embryos implanted.  I told him it doesn't mean that, you can still have high hcg with a singleton.

So I don't know what to think.  When I did these tests from 3:30-3:50 this morning it had been 11 days and 6 hours post trigger so I can't for sure say the bfp is real and not the trigger still being picked up.  All that I can conclude is that I have hcg in my system and that the $tree tests now suck because I never had this problem with my previous 2 pregnancies 3 years ago.  I always used a frer after getting a bfp on a $tree test so I knew the frer would be positive even if they were very faint.  This bfp on the frer is visible enough I should have seen something more than an evaporate on the $tree test.

As an update when I checked on the tests 3 hours later, the $tree test evap line may have a hint of pink to it.  It is really too hard to say since it is so faint so appears grayess.  Anyways, a test 3 hours later is not accurate at all and at even at the 30 min mark it was totally gray unless I tilted it a certain way and then it could appear pink.

On other news, the state called me yesterday.  At first I didn't know why the state would call me, but then found out it was about ds's birth certificate.  Anyways, turns out there is a problem that the hospital labelled him as a female.  I told the lady that I have the autopsy report that shows he was clearly a male and that they must not have updated their records since it was hard to tell at birth.  For the record they told me when I gave birth that he looked like a female so for the first 10 months after that I thought he was a she.  It wasn't until I finally got the autopsy report that I got the shock that he was always a boy.  So here I am almost 28 months later now and the vital records lady is saying his birth was labelled as a girl.  So now she has to go back and contact the hospital to see what is up.  I don't think an autopsy report can lie.  It just annoys me that something so easily as a baby's sex can be this difficult to access.  Ds was 21 weeks when he died, though he had severe iugr so was the size of a 15 week fetus, but still even then they should be able to tell what is inbetween his legs with having him in their hand.

libido

I'm 6dp3dt and my libido has took an upswing.  Not too happy about this since I have to abstain from sex from the tww and I got this same sign around this time during my last cycle and worried that organisming during dreaming caused the cycle to fail.

I figure this is what I get for being bumped up on hormones and not being able to have sex for the last 2 months due to cycling and scheduling reasons.

My uterus hurts this morning.  It sucks that even though I try and reframe from sex during the day, at night I have no control over it.

I need to drink the water

at the Schwartz Center.  My dd's therapist just left after telling me her news that she is due in November (today is the first time she is actually showing so it isn't like she could hide it much longer).  So that now makes 3 of her therapists from there who are pregnant.  Her first SLP who lucky we got changed after she was having pregnancy complications in March, her OT who is due in 2 weeks so will be now gone on maternity leave, and now her development therapist and case worker who we have been with since her starting EI and coming home from the nicu over 2 years ago.  Which makes this suck even more is the fact that I would have also been due in November if ivf #3 worked :(  So now I have to watch her belly grow when she comes every other week.  And she will then be out until mid February which will really make dd's transition to preschool even more difficult since she will be off on maternity leave during the 2nd half of the transition process and the last thing I want during that time is a therapist that doesn't know her when this woman has been working with her since she was 6 weeks old.  Not to mention she has her EI reassessment in November as well.

Now just waiting for her other two therapists from there to make announcements too.  I know her new SLP is married and has a dd so won't be surprised if she ends up pregnant too within the 9 months, her PT I'm not to sure about though.

I really wish I knew what their secret is.  What is the chance that my dd ends up with all the pregnant therapists when we are going through multiple IF treatments.

5dp3dt and feeling nothing

Half way through the tww (my beta is in exactly one week).  Kind of scary to think that in 7 days I will have the answer if I like it or not. 

All the symptoms I felt early in the week - the twinges and dizziness are gone.
I am even sleeping longer at night until I have to pee - 6 hours compared to 3-4 hours.
I am trying not to read too much into this and attribute it to likely the trigger being now gone and too early for implantation to be complete.

I will start testing on Saturday.  I brought 5 $tree tests a few days ago so hoping to report some good news this weekend.  Oh and I also brought a 4 pack of newborn boy gerber onesies when I was at Walmart last time.  They were in the clearance rack for half price so couldn't pass it up.  Figure if I don't use them, that I can always give them to someone as a baby gift.

dizzy spells

Add dizzy spells to the symptom list.  This whole morning I have felt whoosing on and off.
Most likely it is just related to the PIO, but I can't help read into it since this was one sign I really remember during the ttw for my twin pregnancy.  I remember me and dh were somewhere playing a game of minigolf and I didn't feel good for the whole game and needed to constantly sit down.  This was before I knew I was pregnant, but far enough along for implantation to happen, so I am guessing around 8dpo since I first tested and got a bfp at 10 dpo that cycle.

Only other symptom I am feeling is the mild twinges.  So far no nausea, tiredness, or sore breast. 

3 weeks

Today is 4dp3dt or trying to be optimistic, today would mark 3 weeks pregnant.
Not too many signs, on and off cramping yesterday and then over night I got severe ovary pain if I moved to fast.  It is weird because I felt this pain for my last cycles while stimming, as well as when I was pregnant before (called it round ligament pain), but not this cycle except for the night before ER.  I haven't even felt my ovaries since ER this time, while the last two cycles (even #3 when I didn't have ET or on any meds) my ovaries hurt for 10-14 days after ER.  So I don't know what to think.  Hope this is a good sign that maybe hcg is rising again and so the CL's are busy starting to produce more progesterone.

I watched a special last night about teenage mothers.  Not sure why because after years of IF I can't stand teenage moms.  I purposely refuse to watch teen mom and 16 and pregnant tv shows.  Never seen one episode and never will.  Anyways, I still decided to watch this special last night.  Maybe because I am praying this cycle works and these types of stories draw you in.  Anyways, they showed this one girl who is 16 with 2 kids now.  She first got pregnant at 14 and thought about going on bcp after the baby but then never got around to it.  Huh?  At least she is still with the babies father and they right now live together.  He is 18 and had to drop out of school after the first baby to work to support the family.  Here, is the kicker though.  This girl has a younger sister who is 2 years younger, and guess what also got pregnant.  They showed the mother of this 16 and 14 yo and how disappointed she is, especially in the younger one because she thought she knew better.  This mother had these girls at 19 and 21 so doing the math that makes her 35.  So here she is at 35, the mother of a 14 and 16 yo and already a grandmother of 3. 

I thought to myself, how the heck can you have two 14 yos can pregnant.  Who is watching these kids.  Well, they answered that because the mother had her girls young she was single and so had to work min wage jobs to support them.  That meant no one was watching these young teens who were free to do as they please and have sex at 14 and get pregnant.  The sad part about this is it just shows how the cycle keeps repeating itself.

The other sad part is 85% of these girls the guy does not stay with the girl.  They had another girl on who's bf also got another girl pregnant at the same time so within a few weeks of each other he went from a father of 0 to a father of 2.  He is also a teenager.  The sad part about this is as a teenage dad it isn't like they have any money to support a baby so even if they run off no one can touch them.  Can't take child support from a guy that has no income.  So what does this mean, not only will these babies end up with no father's around, which increases the chance of the cycle continuing, but they also will grow up in poverty with no way to get out of it.

And here is the real kicker, who do you think is paying for these teenage mom's babies, but the general tax paying public.  Since these fathers will never be able to support their kids because some of them end up having 5-6 different kids by the time they reach 20 these children and their teen moms have to rely on state assistance for the rest of their lives. 

All this because teenagers feel like having sex without protection and being a grown up.  It really annoys me that us infertile adults can not even get pregnant even when embryos are put in us, but these kids can have sex once or twice and opps they are now pregnant and them and their kid will have to rely on us bailing them out the rest of their lives. 

And what really gets me is this problem can easily be stopped.  We all know that it isn't that easy to get pregnant.  I wish it was as easy to get pregnant as it was to not get pregnant.  If you don't want to get pregnant, don't have sex.  I know some people think I shouldn't say this, saying kids will do it anyways.  I think that is BS!  I think us adults really have low standards of kids if we believe that.
I didn't have sex as a high school or college student.  You know why, because I didn't want to take the risk of even a possiblity of a pregnancy.  There is no reason why a teenager should have sex.  Stats have shown teen relationships don't last.  They have a higher chance of pregnancy and lower chance of using birth control (even though they know the option exists - either because they are scared to ask or they think it won't happen to them - the invinsible teenage phenomenon).
They also don't have the emotional maturity to handle an intimiate relationship, though they think they do until something unexpected happens.  All teenagers think they are just as smart as adults, but research has shown that the frontal lobe doesn't mature until age 25.  That is the part of the brain that is needed for reasoning, etc.  The fact is teenagers have just not been on the Earth long enough to have enough experience to draw from for maturation and it is only when you are over 25 that you can look back at this and realize how little you did know about life at 15.  Unfortunately for teenage moms they get this knowledge too late.  By the time their brain matures their child is now 10 years old and on the brink of repeating the whole cycle again.

And us IF have to constantly question God why he gave babies to these CHILDREN who can't support them ever instead of blessing them and their spouse.

One last story on the show showed another 16 yo mom from a upper middle class home who realized she couldn't take care of a baby and pursue her life of school so she gave the baby up for adoption.  It  was an open adoption so she was able to visit the child every week at the adopted parents home.  This is a prime example of turning a bad situation into a good one.  This 16 yo girl was mature enough to know she couldn't take care of a baby (even though she lived in a nice neighborhood and had parents that could support another child) and fulfil her dreams of college, etc so she made the ultimate decision of love and thought about her child and the IF adoptive child and gave her child up.
I think if more teenage moms did this the world would be a better place.  I know you can never tell any mother to give her child up, but I think too many teenagers chose to keep their baby, which I understand, but as shown above this option only leads to a live of porvety for all involved.
Right now there are 200 thousand children (usually older and with serious mental and physical problems) needing homes.  By comparison, there are 2 million IF couples in the US.  So for all those who say there are so many children needing homes is a huge misnomer.  There is only 1 in 10 children for every IF couple, that leaves another 90% of couples out there who want to adopt unable to do so.

Cheaters and things coming in three's

You know how they say things come in three and it always seem to occur that way.
I had no house calls for most of June and then 3 in these two days.  Then on ff there were a couple of women that found out their dh's were cheating on them.  I ended up making a blunt statement last night to the one woman since she didn't know what to do and found he had went from sending a nude picture to sexting for weeks to now sleeping together the past few weeks.  Everyone gave very bland statements of "I'm sorry, thinking of you", meanwhile I said duh, of course he is sleeping with her and who knows what else, but I am sure it isn't just for 2 weeks (that he is just saying to try and cover his ass).  I personally hold the belief that "once a cheater, always a cheater". Ya there may be the occasional person that gets round up in the heat of a moment and doesn't something they regret, but this isn't what we are talking about here.  If someone has repeatly slept and sent dirty texts and pictures to someone for weeks and weeks (and likely even longer, though they won't admit to it because they will only admit to a little bit at a time) then they not only cheated once, but continuously made the choice to keep this relationship going and cheat on their spouse and family.  These people don't change since they have shown repeatily that they don't care.  Anyways, now I'm blanded as the bad person for saying things how I see them. 

So why do I say this here?  I just received a call from a friend of mine mainly about her dog.  Anyways, we got talking since we hadn't talked much for the last few months since I put her other dog down at the end of March.  Anyways, she says the dreaded words that we IF's hate "I have some news".  So automatically my mind goes into thinking she is going to tell me she is pregnant.  Her youngest is 3.5 years and I know she had some IF issues trying to conceive him - did clomid and iui, but ended up getting pregnant naturally.  She is in her early 40's and with a IF history I knew pregnancy was unlikely, but not impossible.  She then tells me that her dh of 13 years is gone.  He cheated on her with his highschool sweetheart.  I was shocked.  I have met her dh many times and he never seemed the type to do something like this.  Appartently he has been chatting with her for the last 5 years.  So now I have become a concellour for spouses that get cheated on.  My friend is still in the stage where she will take him back if he comes back to her and I understand that feeling.  No one wants there marriage to end, but this guy is not going to change.  The fact that he choses to leave his wife of that many years of marriage and his two sons to be with an old flame shows how much of a low life he is and how he has never and will never get over her.  I really hope he is happy because he has hurt many people over this.  She then tells me that this isn't his first cheating episode, that he cheated on this ex girlfriend before with another girl when he was younger.  This just shows you how cheaters don't change.  If someone can do something like that it is very hard for them to be in a totally committed relationship and I know this. 

Many times people like to blame the noncheating spouse saying they didn't do this or that enough and that is why the person ended up cheating.  This is BS!  If this was the case dh would have cheated on me a long time ago.  When I was pregnant we didn't have sex for a year, dh never cheated (unless you count looking at porn).  Currently we haven't had sex since mid April due to cycling and differing work schedules.  In fact we couldn't even be together before ER this cycle so on trigger day I told him to jack off and then even called him on the way to take dd to her therapies to make sure he had done it (yes not very romatic, but needs to be done).  I don't make dinner for dh, our house is a mess 24/7, and I don't wear sexy clothing for him.  Has my dh ever cheated - NO.  Even though he has every excuse in the book to do so, he doesn't just like I would never think about doing something like that to him.  When you cheat you don't only hurt your spouse, but also everyone else around you.  My friend has a 10yo son.  That poor boy is old enough to understand what is going on and now he has to live with the fact his father did this to them.