Remembering

3 years ago ds death was confirmed by u/s - though he likely died late on Christmas day since that was last time I was able to pick up his heartbeat with the doppler. 
The first two years have been really hard.  This is the first December where I haven't broke down until now.  All I can think about is how our lives would be different if he had lived.  I seriously wonder if stopping the BA last pregnancy at 8 weeks when I got a SCH led to all the problems with ds's placenta and if I would have stayed on it maybe his placenta wouldn't have failed or at least not so early that nothing could be done.  I have been researching BA use in preventing PE this morning and though there is no scientific proof it helps, it has been theorized for a decade now, yet no one mentioned it at all last pregnancy even though I had really bad NT bloodwork.

Of course if he would have lived we never would have cycled again and I wouldn't be pregnant now so it is bittersweet.  Though I am happy to be having this baby, I wish I never had to go through these bad experiences first and deal with how they changed and affected our lives.  I have met many people because of ds's death that I would never have met otherwise, but I also broke off relations with my only sibling and his family because of it.  Also as the years go by I wonder how things will affect dd.  She has no idea about anything yet because of her delays, she doesn't even have a clue that she will have a baby sister in 2 months.  I am glad she will have a sibling here on Earth and hope that they will be close, since she will miss the twin experience growing up.